Emotions: Yes or No, Pedestaled or Punished?
/Let’s face it, we have just made it through a tough election. While It’s not at all my aim to be in any way political, I think it is fair to say that there are some who are not handling it well. I don’t think this is exclusive to the election; on the contrary, I think that both hurt feelings and extreme reaction to them have been a regular in homes and on the streets for quite some time. Many want to blame generations: boomers, X’ers and millennials but, in all honesty, each have learned it form their parents—after all, I am the father of four millennials who have taken on much of what I have displayed.
The criticism across generations sometimes looks like this: “Millennials are so into feelings, they want what they want and throw a fit when they don’t get it”. In this train of thought the incrementally stodgy X’s are want to push off feelings as self-indulgent emotional bubble bath—a nice frill but in no way needed to get the job done—only repeating the refrain of each previous generation. So the pendulum swings: Over emotional to unemotional, but where do we land? The truth is, we both need to feel our emotions and manage them—to the extent that they are neither pedestalled nor punished. Managing feelings is not about blowing them off entirely or taking a pill or substance to push them away, it is about sitting with them and realizing they are a much-needed part of our life that should not drive who we are.
So what are the benefits and drawbacks to these gifts we call emotions? Here are a few considerations on whether or not we get into emotions or stay away from them:
Emotions Yes :
1. Developing and utilizing an emotional language allows us to connect with ourselves, and with others.
There can be a number of reasons why there are those who do not know (or want to know) how they feel about anything. For one, they may be suppressing how they feel because its either too painful or they feel some type of shame in their feelings—which can often come across as a “meh”, non-caring, attitude and seeing them as “silly and a waste of time” (Sound familiar?). Another angle to not knowing how one feels can be found in those drawing from others to gauge what to, and what not to, care about. These co-dependent types may have started out with emotions such as fear and shame, but what happens over time is that even those feelings give way to resentment and anger, then numbness. Those types who are walled off and don’t care may have utilized such an attitude to protect themselves from going to a vulnerable place that is frightening. Either way, each’s attitudes of self-preservation often leave them more worried about themselves that that of others.
For the walled-off and disconnected that don’t seem to care, loved ones around them can grow fed up with never being able to penetrate the “wall” of emotionlessness. This is not only frustrating for family but also for the disconnected themselves; as misunderstanding, thoughtlessness, and insensitivity can result. For the co-dependent, preserving other’s feelings takes up such mental real estate that they lose themselves, all the while being controlled (and ill respected) by those they are lost in. It’s not that the co-dependent doesn’t feel anything, it’s just that what they are able to feel is in direct relation to those they are dependent on—which, again, can carry into anger, resentment, and eventually numbness.
In both cases, it becomes vitally important to tap into our feelings, first to understand what is going on with us and then what is going on with others. If we are to truly connect (and feel connected) with others, then feelings are a must—not to be shunned or denied.
2. Understanding what we are feeling helps us get to the “why” of what gets us there.
For both the cut off and the co-dependent, the process of self-connection involves first identifying the feeling: hurt, lonely, scared, disappointed etc. then getting to the why. In this way feelings serve as a flashlight that can shine on the thoughts that lead to them. Again, if the feelings are numb and cut-off it will be next to near impossible to tap into the why. Therapists that utilize CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) will tell you, suppressing feelings may seem to help the pain and discomfort go away in the moment but will later lead to more problems (more on that later). I often equate the digging into the feelings as to the cleaning of an infected wound—it will be painful at first but will flush out the cause of the problem. Without the light that feelings have to offer we are lost and continue to be numb. So, although painful at first, digging in and articulating feelings (which can mean saying them out loud!) will help us uncover the thoughts and attitudes from which they started.
3. Feelings are good and can signal both healthy and unhealthy things in our life.
Just as in our relationships, if we ignore our feelings, we are, in a very real sense, unplugging the warning light. Emotions can act in the same way the overheating gauge in our car does—which means unplugging the gauge does not fix the problem, it just makes it worse. If we do feel something we don’t like we have to ask ourselves, “what is this feeling trying to tell me”. One example can be of a husband that continually feels he cannot upset his wife for any reason. In fact, every time she gets upset he may blame himself, withdraw, and work extra-long hours that week until she just, “gets over it”. If this happens long enough, both the husband and the wife will become disconnected to each other and the marriage can fall apart—she feeling as though he does not hear her or care about her emotions and he thinking he can never make her happy. What is needed (among other things) is for the husband to truly listen to what his wife is saying, dig in to why it has him feeling “XY and Z”, then get to the bottom of what he is afraid of. In this way, the emotion became a vital part in making sure the relationship stays healthy and on track.
4. If feelings are continually suppressed other bad things can happen.
In addition to the husband and wife example given above, when feelings are ignored or suppressed other bad things can, and usually do, happen. For one, trying to ignore hard feelings and hoping they go away only leaves them to fester until they burst out in a tirade. Even further, alcohol and drug abuse are often a symptom of trying to suppress intense emotions that have not been dealt with; add to that serious physical maladies that can occur from years of keeping quiet or not expressing very real emotions. Body issues cannot be overstated, if you or someone you know continually has physical health issues, consider what past circumstances and emotions they are running from or suppressing—but do so with some professional help. In all this, the issue for most is that they want to suppress the feelings and not challenge the beliefs that led to the feelings—which is most important. To deny our feelings is to deny an essential, God given, aspect of who we are. Pressing them down or pretending like they don’t exist just makes for bad things ahead which can damage the way we see the world, relationships and ourselves.
…and in this corner…
We have looked at just a few areas why emotions are important, but we want to give the stodgy types their say also; so, the following are some reasons why emotions need to be considered and dealt with carefully as we move forward:
Emotions No:
1. We are not very good interpreters through emotion.
Feelings and emotions are great but, by their nature, they are not very logical. Feelings often serve as a reaction which can lead to an action, which then starts a loop and can whip us up in a number of bad directions. When we are emotional about something, we interpret what is going on through that lens: so, if we are angry we see things that only confirm our anger; if we are hurt, then what others say will only hurt us further (which they may not even intend on doing!). Anyone who is involved in relationships knows how this story plays out.
An emotional reaction most often is a physical reaction, we feel it in our bodies: muscles tight, rapid breathing, and heart pumping. I often speak to my clients about “coming down off the pyramid (of Personal/Emotional Control)”. At the top of this pyramid resides our most emotional state (we are hurt, angry, overwhelmed and often unreasonable). In such a state, it is hard to consider other points of view and speak to ourselves rationally; therefore, we need to “come down” from such a heightened state by re-direction, measured breathing or even a tall drink of water. Again, if we are to reach a place where we can have a rational discussion we must work our way down to the middle: where we can mentally engage, and challenge our destructive thoughts.
2. Emotions can leave us self-absorbed and not considering others.
Remember, feelings are a guide and not to be the end result (more on that later!). As stated earlier, emotions can serve as a gauge that can tell us something important about us and the relationships we are in. When we ramp up and are in emotional overload we tend to move to self-preservation and away from relational understanding and compassion. In self-preservation/emotional overload, it is as if we are drowning—flailing wildly trying to grab at anything to save us. When this happens we have lost the capacity to consider other’s positions and points of view—leaving us to lash out, accuse, berate, and attack those nearest. This self-preservation can be obvious in the extreme/acute situations but often happen in a slow burn/chronic state as well. This can likely be a result of our upbringing and family pattern with the chronic often being the entry point to the acute.
Those of us in the chronic state of “feelings” tend to have two approaches that take place: First, we feel just to feel, which can trap us within ourselves. I have heard many people in practice tell their significant other the most hurtful things only to say, “Well that’s how I feel”; again, feelings are not bad per se but if we are not examining the motivation behind our feelings then we are missing what they are there for. What can be most damaging is when we don’t want to examine the root beliefs that lead to such feelings because we want those feelings—even if we are complaining about them! The second approach that takes place for those who are most into their feelings is that they often put the burden of them on others: after all, if the most important thing we are talking about in society are our feelings then we are asking everyone to accommodate and “make them better”. This often comes in the form of statements such as “You make me feel so worthless” or “How could you make me feel that way” or “This election makes me feel so hopeless!” It’s not to say that such people and events don’t cause some emotion (and concern), but if our entire emotional well-being is caught-up in the state of politics, or our mate agreeing with us, then we are in trouble. The truth remains that none of those things are strong enough to deliver us from our own emotional stuff.
3. We can like feelings more than actually taking care of what causes them.
When our feelings become the end of the road and we look no further into them we will most likely find ourselves in a perpetual state of drama—both for ourselves and others. One of the paradoxes of psychotherapy is that there are those who genuinely do not like some of the emotional turmoil they are going through, but at that same time continue to act in ways that keep such feelings at the forefront. It is at this point that a therapist will often help the client examine the benefits of why they are continually going back to the feelings they most dislike.
One example can be anger: Let’s say Jim comes to therapy because of outbursts of anger toward his spouse and co-workers. If it is found that he still holds resentment toward his parents for the harsh words he received growing up, he could be projecting some of his feelings about his parents toward others when they rightfully challenge him in any way. We may ask Jim to forgive his parents to move past his anger; however, he may not want to forgive them; after all, with anger comes a false sense of power and control which comes out toward those that “set him off”. It would be necessary for Jim to go beneath the anger to potentially find feelings of helplessness, hurt, and rejection—something that he may refuse to do for the vulnerability that’s involved. Keep in mind that we can get caught up in the emotion for the emotions sake when we take offense for ourselves or others—and this pattern holds true for anger, pain, helplessness…the list goes on!
4. If feelings are continually put on a pedestal other bad things can happen.
Just as the punishment (or suppression) of feelings can eventually come out both relationally and physically, pedestalled (or unbridled) feelings have a way of causing an entire host of other problems—as if the first three in this category didn’t already fit into number four! For one, when we place feelings at the forefront of how we operate we leave ourselves to always feel the pinch of emotional slight, rejection, anger, and unhappiness. When these feelings are constant, we will find any way we can to take the edge off. Which brings us back to a reoccurring theme: addictions, a paradox that involves the intensity of pedestalling our feelings or attempting to punish and subdue what we do not want to feel. In my article, The Four Horsemen: What Addiction, Affairs and Workaholism Have in Common, I related that Famine covers the feelings starved or starving. In either case, the addiction is more a symptom than a root problem (Consider: Thoughts = Feelings = Suppression = Addiction).
When feelings are pedestalled, happiness will be constantly sought but ever elusive. Remember, feelings are a byproduct of our thoughts and actions (at least that’s what the Cognitive-Behavioral School of thought says), if we are going after the feelings themselves then we could be completely missing our own behaviors and mindsets that get us there. When this occurs, we keep missing the boat and can get more and more frustrated—and unhappy! When we place proper boundaries on our thoughts and actions then the good feelings have a chance to flourish. In this way, the treasure is in the journey and not in the destination. For example, I find a part of happiness in who my wife is (all the gifts and quirks), I do not expect her to make me happy—she is more important than my feelings.
The Verdict:
In closing, be sure keep this in mind: we must be careful to not put feelings up on a pedestal for us to look up and admire, doing so sets us in a constant state of turmoil and unhappiness; nor should we punish feelings and look down on them (in ourselves and others), doing so will disconnect us and keep us numb and lonely. Emotions are to be kept at eye level respected but not revered. When this occurs, it can allow us to also respect the emotions in others while keeping a healthy boundary.
If you are in need of help, or have any questions contact me through my pages through Facebook at Chris Oneth LMFT, Linkedin, or my website at www.chrisoneth.com.
Blessings;
Chris