A, B, C....and D: Navigating the Mind's Killer Loop

Brace yourselves: In the process of change, what we first must be aware of is our tendency to get it wrong—yes, that means everyone! We tend to believe events, attitudes and actions that may (or may not have) taken place the exact way we perceive. In the workings of our mind, we can be more influenced by what we think happened over what we have actually seen and heard. Such perceptions can help or hinder us and are often fueled by our own brain wiring. What we thought was a look of rejection or disappointment may actually be a look of thoughtful concentration, what we heard as a sarcastic comment may actually be a real question. Understanding the way our mind has a tendency to loop can help us challenge some of the assumptions that get us in a bad place. Psych 101 teaches us that we work by a principle of Action, Behavior, Consequence, and manipulating any one of these can help us re-wire what we may thought we never could.

(In my office, I demonstrate this loop on a whiteboard by putting an “A” at the top, a “B” to the right, “C” at the bottom, and “D” to the left—connecting each with an arrow to form a loop.)

A = Action: The Event that Takes Place

A stop light when we are late to work, a partner’s edgy tone, or a bad grade on a paper—life is not short of stressors that happen again and again. These actions and events fire off, one after the other, fast and heavy. We often have a desire to change them somehow so that they never happened—which can be an impossibility. In this mental loop, we can become consumed with questions like “what if” and “if only” over the event that has already happened—to the point of obsession! Take a loss of a job for example: this type of event is certainly stressful but we invite more stress when we continually loop into “why did they do this to me?”, “If only they were more understanding” or “What if I had never said….then I could still be working there.” As stated before, these questions and fantasies of wishing another event occurred may only fuel the fire that our minds loop stokes—and can even turn the event into more than it needs to be. The reason we tend to focus on the event may actually be an avoidance of the “B” in this loop—our belief about ourselves and the situation.

B = Behavior/Belief: The Script we Hold About the Event

Now that the event has occurred we can become bombarded with the beliefs and scripts that punish us. In the job loss example, some of the scrips will be “why?” and “what if” to be sure, but many will take the form of: “If they hadn’t done this, then I wouldn’t have done that” or “I can’t believe what a loser I am, I can’t seem to do anything right.” Our scripts can leave us in an emotionally battered place that spirals us downward. Stranger still is that we can be completely unaware of what these scripts are or that we entertain them—their invisibility becomes one way in which they are protected. Once the event takes place and the scripts take hold, we then move to the consequence of such scripts.

C = Consequence: The Feelings that Come from the Scripts

After the invisible beliefs and scripts do their work, we are left with the feelings that are born as a result: feelings such as anger, hurt, of being disrespected, failure and a host of others. Usually, if we have given up focusing on the (A)ction that has occurred and trying to change it, we are then left with trying to suppress the (C)onsequence, or the feelings that have been fueled by the (B)elief or script we have allowed to take root = ABC. As discussed in another post, Emotions: Yes, or No, Pedestalled or Punished, we have a tendency to either completely focus on our emotions or try all we can to ignore and suppress them—which is what we do in the loop because we might think we have no other option.

D = Decision: About Where to Focus

Riding the loop can be the most natural, and unhealthy, thing we do: stuck in our “what if’s” or our “you are such an idiot” beliefs and scripts, there may be an option we have been totally missing: The decision to challenge our beliefs. Such a challenge may never occur to us: either because we are focused on the (A)ction/Event or because we are trying to suppress our (C) = Feelings. In this there is one glaring problem: If we suppress our feelings and cannot access them, we will never be able to get to the (B)eliefs and scripts that they fuel. Deciding to challenge our scripts then cuts the loop in half (picture crossing over from D to B). Once we become aware of our scripts and are able to challenge them, we have a chance of looking at the (A)ction/Event in a whole new light.

Consider the three C’s in challenging our beliefs: Confess, Confront, and Confirm.

Confess:               In the job loss example, we can take our feelings of failure and dejection and confess them. “I feel like a failure because I screwed up, which means I can’t do anything right”

Confront:             The confrontation is the challenge we need to build skill in doing. “Well, I guess its not true that I do ‘nothing’ right, but I did screw up, which hurts! It hurts because I don’t want to be that guy.”

Confirm:              After the confronting we can confirm what is true: “All right, just because I made a mistake does not mean I am a mistake. Maybe there is something that I can learn from this. Now that I know what happened, I don’t have to do it again.”

This discussion and awareness of how we communicate to ourselves is the crux of overcoming our “killer loop”. Once we stop avoiding such important parts of who we are (like our feelings) we can put them in the proper context and demystify their power. Recognizing the Action, Behavior, Consequence and Decision we have available can empower us to see the Action/Event in a whole new light—as an opportunity to grow and not be crushed. Keep in mind this takes work—after all, we have been riding on the loop for our entire lives. We may not change overnight but we can have hope in the direction we are headed.

If you have any questions or need any help, a good therapist can unlock some long-held beliefs and scripts that are deeply entrenched. If you need help, check out Downey Park Counseling Associates at www.dpcamodesto.com or give us a call at 209-527-8943 to set up an appointment. If you would like to see my other blogs, check out www.chrisoneth.com/blog, you can also shoot us an email at downeyparkcounseling@gmail.com.

Blessings;

Chris