Past the Limit: What Brings Us to Lose It
/I don’t think there is anyone out there that doesn’t know the feeling: end of the rope, nerves completely raw, short fuse and….BLAM! Someone (or something) suffers from the explosive tirade. If we are not a tantrum thrower then we may be an internalizer, getting sick often and increasingly more exhausted through each day. It seems in our constantly going/pushing society, such reaction has become all too common. What usually ends up happening is that, after the dust has settled, we end up hating ourselves all the more, (add shame to that pressure!) but we also have no idea how to end the cycle. There are times we may try to hold our temper (or our self-blame) in but when things really get to us we just can’t seem to get over it. In this cycle, we find ourselves in an uphill (and losing) battle. We really don’t want to get angry, or be worn to a nub, but it’s just so exhausting—and we’ve had enough!
The truth is, what we usually do is try and fight off symptoms of what I call “The Bucket Effect”. In this metaphor, the bucket is our capacity to hold and work through the stressors in our life. Usually, our bucket is a constant quarter full—after all stress is a normal part of life. When the unexpected comes upon us: work change, shift in family, broken off relationship, etc, our buckets can fill to nearly full. Through proper and healthy living we can empty our bucket back down to a quarter level of normal; however, if we do not have healthy means of coping, our bucket can be at a constant “full” capacity—leaving us no extra room for the natural shocks that life offers. The result is a constant feeling of being past the limit; in which case, all of those around us suffer the consequences.
This “past the limit” feeling can very often be related to the burn out I discussed in “How We Burn Out: The Five Causes and What to do About Them”, the principle difference is that burn out tends to be more philosophical and systemic whereas passing our limit really just requires some minor tweaks. That being said, here are the four areas to keep our eye on when we feel like someone is going to get knocked out.
1. Expectations:
What are we expecting to happen? This question spans three areas that make up who we are as people: The Personal, Relational, and External. There is an often used saying that expectations are pre-conceived disappointments—which I agree with somewhat but not whole heartedly; after all, my wife has an expectation that I will come home every night and work during the day (not unreasonable at all). But many of our expectations can follow an intricate story, made up in our head, that span ourselves, others and the situation. If I expect myself to tell the future, or automatically know a skill, or negotiate international peace treaties, then I may be asking myself too much and then be disappointed at my natural inability to close the deal; likewise, if I expect others to do the same, I am in equally troublesome territory; finally, If I expect the situation to just somehow work out (or never go haywire) then I am sure to be upset and, well, disappointed. Examine those expectations and ask yourself if what you are looking to happen for yourself, others, and the situation is possible—be sure to say it out-loud so you can hear how solid (or ridiculous) it sounds.
2. Controlling Others and the Situation:
As always, close to our expectations is our habit of wanting to control the people and situations around us. When we attempt to control there are usually five effects that come to the surface:
Ruling: The overt control by force that will not let others help or co-lead. This then has the added bonus of frustrating ourselves and others. Yes, there are times when a take charge stance is needed; but we need to ask ourselves, “do I need to rule this situation, person, etc, right now? What if I just let it go? Can someone else take care of this?
Rescuing: This brand of control is brought to you by those who “feel bad” and worry that if they don’t step in cataclysmic things will happen. This usually has less to do with the wellbeing of the person or situation that is being rescued and more to do with not wanting to see the natural course of events unfold.
Relating: Relating happens when the controlling types continually put themselves in others’ shoes in order to guess their next move (for acceptance) or because they tap the emotional well of other’s lives—in which case they love to be in everyone’s business but will end up overloaded, overextended, and overflowing their limits.
Ruminating: This can span the personal, relational, and external in that we constantly think about what could be different or what needs to happen with ourselves, others, and circumstances. We think, think, and think some more as if we will solve the riddle—in these times we need to back off, allow only limited access to such thoughts, and schedule a (short) time for us to think on it.
Resenting: When control (out of place control, that is) takes shape we can end up resenting others for the behaviors we are doing! We become mad at our colleagues for not doing what we thought they should do, we become mad at ourselves for not knowing quantum physics, and we become mad at society for not buying the world a coke. This resentment grinds and takes it’s toll but will not go away on its own. Rather than saying to yourself, “I’ve got to stop getting so mad” dig into why you might be mad and challenge that line of thinking—after that, the emotions usually take care of themselves.
3. Always On:
American’s fancy themselves a hard-working and self-sufficient lot, and the thought of backing down from such a narrative can really rub many the wrong way. As such we will put in 60 plus hours a week, take no vacation and, even when we are not at work, think about work and what has to be done the next day. Burning the midnight oil is not a bad thing at all, when needed, but we often have a difficult time gauging when that need arises and so seldom let off the gas. In this, we have to take the idea of always being productive, engaged, and earning our keep and give it a bit of modification if we are going to keep our cool. This requires drawing healthy boundaries with our work time so we can allow for both downtime and family time. If we are not allowing ourselves little moments of mindfulness, and chunks of personal and relational time, then we are sure to keep our bucket brimming to the top and spilling over onto others—ouch!
4. Lack of Communication
Control tends to bring a couple friends to the party: expectations and poor communication (call it a frustration trifecta!). We have all done it, expect a certain play of events (or behavior), attempt to control what’s going on, and then hold back on asking for what we want and need—and not necessarily in that order. Oftentimes, those who are angry all the time have the hardest time articulating their needs, to themselves and others. Remember, if we have a hard time expressing to ourselves what we need then we should not expect others to just magically know what we need. As stated in other posts, communication involves both expression and interpretation—on both ends. So, next time we grow upset consider: What are we expressing and interpreting—personally (from and to ourselves), relationally (from and to others), and externally (from and to the situation)? If we find we are not clear or are not understanding in these three areas, consider how we can interpret or express in a more complete fashion. Remember, such changes do not happen overnight so take heart and press forward!
If you have any questions or would like some additional help, a good therapist can make all the difference. As always, your comments are also welcome on my Facebook page at Chris Oneth LMFT. Finally, check out my website at www.chrisoneth.com to access other blogposts, videos, or needed resources.
Chris