Boomerang!: I'm Mad at You! for What I Did...

Upset in relationships is nothing new. The clatter of a back and forth clash between husband and wife (or parent and child) can often cloud what some of the heart issues really are. In relationships, we can find ourselves caught in loops that get us on a “you did this, so I did that” ride that has no stopping point. In these exchanges, we are want to sit upon the idea that we would not do what we do if it weren’t for what the other did. Though there can be some truth to the idea, it may be clouded; after all, we certainly cannot change other’s behaviors as much as we can change our own. When we miss our own actions and attitudes in the matter, we put the responsibility solely on the other to fix everything—which can be way too much for anyone to bear. More astonishingly, we can do things that we grow to resent in ourselves, then blame the other for our actions and the final outcome!

The following are just a few instances where we get mad at others, for what we did:

1.      Thoughts and Feelings: Mine (See how you made me feel!)

James spent a great deal of time being frustrated at work; as a result, co-workers began to shy away from him and stopped bringing up topics that were the least bit agitating. To hear it from his point of view, it seemed perfectly reasonable that he would get upset at the seeming ineptness and poor communication of this fellow workmates. He could go on about what everyone else needed to do but seldom saw his own attitudes as needing to change; thus, everyone else in his workplace was responsible for his feelings—after all, if they would just do X,Y, and Z then the problem would be solved! What James, and the rest of us, must chase down are our own actions and feelings in the matter, then examine the thoughts that generate them. If we are constantly thinking that others are the nucleus of our problem then we are in for some long days of anger, hurt and frustration. In this case, what James was blaming others for his own feelings, making them responsible and not himself. As a rule of thumb, that doesn’t work in marriage and it doesn’t work at work!

2.      Thoughts and Feelings: Yours (Stop being mad!)

In the above exchange, there is another element James is growing upset toward: other’s feelings about him. Because of his tense attitude and rude behavior, a cycle is begun that that has each party contributing to keep the unhealthiness going: James’ attitude has him curt and disdainful of others—which comes out in the way he talks to them; they, in turn, respond with upset (most not saying anything, but getting more upset). He then gets upset at them for their feelings, displayed in their actions. We know that James is acting in a difficult manor. In order to get off the loop, a healthy response may be, “James, I heard you say, ‘this sucks’ which tells me you’re upset, is everything okay?” This gives James a chance to communicate (but he may not take the chance—see number 4). Whether he does, or doesn’t, that belongs to him. Many of us have a tendency to not allow other’s to feel what they are going to feel. If someone is having a bad day and seems short, the impulse can be to immediately assume they are mad at us and attempt to shut them down. The worst of this comes after we actually did something we regret. As a result, we will become stressed, agitated, and angry ourselves—not wanting to allow their feelings to be their own.

3.      Action/Inaction: Mine (Look what you made me do! [or not do])

Jane is James’ wife. When James would often come home upset and uptight by his day at work, he would then be grumpy at Jane, who felt it was her duty to release him from the stress. Try as she might, she would make his favorite meal, pour him a drink, and try to keep the kids quiet. All the while, James would sit and sulk about how unfair his work life was. Jane would get so nervous and eventually upset at James that, many evenings, they would end up going to bed in tense silence. Jane felt that if she said something she would cause a fight. Over time, she grew more upset at James for the way he was feeling for sure, but also resented him for what she “had to do” (Not say anything and cater to his whims)—trying so hard to please him while not taking care of herself. Even if James attempts to blame her for his problems—which belong to him!—Jane cannot blame him for how she acts or doesn’t act.

4.      Action/Inaction: Yours (Why don’t you help me?)

The more obvious second angle to the action/inaction pattern is when, instead of blaming others for the things we do, we blame others for not rescuing us from our own decisions, actions and emotions. This can most readily be seen in the way James tells his wife and others: “See how you made me feel!” or, “If you don’t (pay my bill, pick me up, do this for me) I will be screwed!” Having taught Jr. High school for two years I would often see this when kids would say, “you got me in trouble!” The layers of such an attitude can be both obvious and subtle. Putting the responsibility of deliverance on another is not only a boundary violation, it has a way of taking the sting of needing to change away for the moment. Unfortunately, by holding such a mindset we burden others and stay stuck right where we land.

5.      You Should Know: (If you really cared about me you would….)

In looking at Jane, she was raised in a home where her father was very much like her husband. To be fair, James didn’t drink like her father, but the moodiness, unpredictability, and high expectations were familiar ground. As such, Jane became highly attuned to her father’s disposition when he came home for the day: was he angry? Depressed? Aloof? Kind? There was no predictable pattern. Because of this, there came a tone in the home that, if you couldn’t read the situation on your own, it was your own fault. Such an atmosphere can have two results:

For one, Jane spent a great deal of mental energy on guessing what was coming next and trying to preempt any catastrophe (again, taking on situations that she is not ultimately responsible for). Today, Jane is often caught in the frustrating cycle of trying to mind read everyone as she did when young. This “what I think you’re thinking” pattern has the offspring of “If you really loved me, you would know what to do”. She plies this mindset toward her husband and children—after all, she is working so hard, so why aren’t they! With all of her effort, she continually hopes that someone would love her enough to do as much as she has done.

Second, in her hyper awareness of everyone else’s mood, she is seldom aware of her own wants, feelings and needs. She is able to read other’s moods but runs into confusion knowing her own. In this co-dependent practice, her internal reference is focused on others which leaves her not knowing herself. Just as she remains hyper aware of other’s feelings, she expects others to do the same for her. When they fall short she feels marginalized and worthless—putting her hope in others care. In this we must remember, if we do not know ourselves we cannot expect to have others know us. This mindset leaves her continually hurt, resentful and disappointed—so the cycle continues.

The ways of blaming others for what we do can be countless. They can also be more readily noticed in others before we see them in ourselves. As with any change, deliberate and honest reflection must take place. Even in our self-examination the sting of needing to change can be tough (See: The Stages of Acceptance). Having a skilled therapist can make all the difference in the world in this regard. If you have any questions or comments, check out my Facebook Page at Chris Oneth LMFT and share your thoughts. If you would like to see more of my blog visit www.chrisoneth.com.

Chris