A Trinity of Self: Our Personal, Relational, and External Relationships
/Like no other time in my life, I enjoy being by myself. Such quiet reflection and contemplation open up worlds for me that, when I was younger, I never knew existed. Yet, at the same time, I genuinely relish the time spent with my wife, children, and friends. And if that wasn’t enough, I find myself needing time spent doing things, experiencing nature, and even getting my hands dirty. I haven’t always been like this. In fact, there was a time when I would loathe being by myself and even shy away from actually doing things that I needed to get done. When I look back, I see that I heavily relied on people most of the time for my happiness and safety. I learned that I was putting too much on relationships issues that I needed to be handling personally.
What I didn’t know back then was that we have three different relationships: One with ourselves, one with others, and one with creation: Personal, Relational and External. Each area can be distinct but can also overlap and have influence the other. Some cut-off from one area and rely more heavily on another—as I did, focusing more on the relational than the personal and external. Realizing we are made of, and need, all three can help us become more balanced and healthy; further, recognizing which area we have put our focus on in the past can help us forge new ground toward a better future.
As a Christian, I believe these three relationships are inherent in us by Gods design—and so he connects with us on all three. But being a Christian is not a requirement for us to see how these three relationships come to show themselves. In fact, all throughout literature and antiquity the same observation can be made: we are Personal, Relational, and External.
1. Personal: How We Relate to Ourselves:
In the Personal, we have a relationship with ourselves: as such we communicate with our bodies and our minds—sometimes not very well. With this communication and connection there are levels to the types of interaction we have. For example, I may not be connected to my body very well (all its sensations and interactions) and may also have a very harsh relationship with it—eating poorly, no exercise, lack of sleep. In addition, I may be very hard (or easy) on myself when I make a mistake—calling myself dumb or incompetent. This self-relationship can then play a determining role in how we relate to others and the world. It is true that, oftentimes in our culture, we tend to be poor communicators with ourselves, believing lies that may want to pamper or punish us in regard to how we go about our way.
Starting in infancy, we may first be aware of our self-relationship through simple needs: being hungry, tired, or cold—with others meeting these needs; eventually, we learn to talk to ourselves by the example of what we have been shown. As we grow, we will either agree with the terms demonstrated toward us in youth, or rail against them. For this, we need self-reflection and contemplation—bringing an awareness and consideration to what is going on inside of us. For many, this can be uncomfortable and excruciating—bringing up feelings long pushed down or ignored. Proper health and connection with others calls for proper connection with ourselves: intellectual, physical, emotional, and spiritual.
God: The Personal
Our connection with God the Personal comes through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. The bible is clear that His spirit moves and operates in us at the most personal and intimate level, as stated in II Cor 1:21-22 “Now He who establishes us with you in Christ and anointed us is God, who also sealed us and gave us the Spirit in our hearts as a pledge.” One of the most personal areas of our life rests in reflection and prayer. The apostle Paul also makes mention that, when we are unable to come up with the words to pray, the “spirit will intercede with groaning” that words cannot express (Romans 8:26) It is our personal selves that enable us to have introspection as David did in the Psalms, “See if there be a grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139: 24). This aspect of God connects to our deep selves, the part of us that no one truly knows, or can know. It is quiet, solitary, meditative, and near.
2. Relational: How we relate to others:
Our relationship to ourselves is affected and influenced by our relationship with others, but it is equally true that our relationship toward others is affected by our relationship with ourselves—this includes friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, strangers, and even the crowd. We are relational and social beings. I often give the example of one of us being on an elevator, when we are by ourselves we think and act in certain ways but once someone else enters the elevator, we are immediately affected—down to a physiological level. In this relationship to others, we must be careful not to put the responsibility for our wellness on them entirely as we did in infancy; conversely, we must also be careful to not disconnect from others. In this we must recognize that we need others in relationship but must not become completely dependent on them for who we are. Just as we need to be connected to ourselves, we must be connected to others.
God: The Relational
God demonstrates the relational side of himself through the man Jesus Christ who was both man and God. The Gospel is that we were separated from God by our sin, He came to us in person, lived what we lived, ate with us, and even died a horrible human death that He might take on the suffering meant for us. In this, Jesus acts as a physical contact that allows us to live in the community of other believers (the Church), empowered by the Holy Spirit and reconciled to the Father. Acts 2:38 “And Peter said to them, ‘Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.’” Not only this, but it is this relational aspect of Christ that allows us to save our flesh just as our Spirit is saved: Galatians 2:20 states, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” God’s word also teaches us, as Christ did, to live in relationship with others through confession: James 5:16; encouraging and meeting together: Hebrews 10:25; prayer for one another, Ephesians 6:18; and taking care of each other: Galatians 6:2. In all of this we must live in community to share, forgive, suffer, celebrate, help, confess, call out, and relate.
3. External: How we relate to the world outside of us.
Equal to our relationship with ourselves (Personal) and our relationship with others (Relational) we carry a relationship with creation—which spans that which is neither personal or relational and can be categorized by objects, substances, music, food, nature, work, and even hobbies (to some extent). In all of these things I have a type of relationship but not on the level with myself or other people. In addition, the external world has a vastness to it that can be very impersonal and out of reach but can get us out of our head—think of a feeling of awe and wonder. Even our relationship with knowledge covers the external as those with knowledge tend to gather from external sources (the study of “things”). Though the external can get us out of our head and not so wrapped up with ourselves or with others we must be aware that it can also disconnect us entirely from the two.
God: The External
As much as God is deeply personal, and as much as he is physically relational, He is also vast and external—with an awe and a power that is terrifying and unmeasurable. By this he appeals to our mind as we gather who he is from the world around us and His holy scripture. In Numbers 24:16 the author states “The oracle of him who hears the words of God, and knows the knowledge of the Most High, who sees the vision of the Almighty, falling down, yet having his eyes uncovered.” Points to a type of vast knowledge that God gives each man—even those who do not specifically seek Him. Paul even speaks of God’s demonstration of Himself in nature by Romans 1:20 “For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made…” Further, the law of God appeals to our mind, even while our flesh continues its struggle, “Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin” (Romans 7:25). Through the external God the Father we know that he is vastly beyond our understanding, Isaiah 40:28 “Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.” As the spirit is personal, the body relational, and the mind interactive with the external, so God reaches each part of us per His design.
The Interaction of All Three:
As we exist, we see the three parts of who we are interact with each other in an ongoing fashion. I may want a fancy car (external) because of the attention it brings me (relational) related to a deep inadequacy (personal). In this, I may also attempt to meet a need in one area with another. If I am struggling at home in relationship to my wife (relational) and don’t quite know how to interact with her, I might find myself spending more hours at work (external) where I am validated and gratified. With this, I would be using an external to meet a relational need. What I have seen in many relationships are those who tend to have difficulty managing their thoughts and emotions (personal), then seek out fulfillment and deliverance by demanding from a spouse or other loved one (relational). In this case, the spouse, who meets a relational need, cannot be called upon to meet the deeply personal needs of another—to do so would put an undue strain on the relationship and further leave the seeker empty. We must strive to be more fully whole in each area (as God is) in order to operate in a healthy fashion.
Awareness of the three parts of ourselves and the relationships therein can now allow us to do two things: One, to have an idea of which need belongs to which relationship; and two, enact specific ways to connect each areas need (keeping in mind some areas overlap). Many often site the need for a “work/life balance” when what they really mean is a balance between our relationship with ourselves, others, and the externals. Add to this that each area has a depth to it that we also must keep aware; after all, some of the relationships I have tend to be more external (strangers) and others, more personal (family). With this we can now ask ourselves, “Am I attempting to meet a personal with an external?” or even, “What relationship does this look like? Am I demanding too much of my (spouse, children, co-workers) when it is my own (anxiety, depression, insecurity) that needs to be addressed?”
For the second, enacting deliberate means of connecting in each specific area helps strengthen the three parts of who we are. For example, if I am running the kids from one practice to another, I may be heavily involving them in the external but may want to sit and interact with them face to face so that I can shore up that relational aspect of who we are; additionally, If I allow no time for myself in all of this back and forth, then 15 to 20 minutes of quiet reflection (no cell, TV, of any other distractions) will allow me to connect with myself. One outstanding example of engaging with an external for self-connection belongs to my wife who finds time in the garden, alone with her plants and thoughts, allowing God to speak to her inner most being (personal) through His magnificent creation (external)—she mentioned as much in a small church group years ago when she said she saw God’s glory in a honey bee, weighed down with pollen, flitting from flower to flower!
Though this is a brief explanation of a concept that can have great depth, I will add that this is only the beginning. As I move about, interacting with myself—thoughts, feelings, and attitudes; with others—friendships, family, and acquaintances; and with the externals—scripture, creation, and work, I see these themes constantly ringing true. In this we can reflect His glory in the community of believers that are ever striving to know His “good, pleasing, and perfect will”.
If you have more questions about this and would like more information, please check out the other posts on my blog at www.chrisoneth.com. If you would like to sit down and talk with someone about personal or family issues, email me at chris@chrisoneth.com. Paying attention to our personal selves through quiet time and reflection, reaching out to friends and loved ones around us, and time in seeking knowledge by divine creation can create a healthy and balanced life.
Chris Oneth LMFT