Two Different Relationships: When You and Me is Not the Same As Me and You

While talking to my youngest son the other day, something occurred to me—we were having two very different relationships. We are not the only two who share this, I see it in couples, businesses, siblings, wherever relationships occur. The idea goes something like this: I have one thing in mind when I think of his and my roles in our relationship—he, most likely, has something completely different. When I think of our relationship, as his father I picture myself as his guide, leader, caregiver, disciplinarian, comforter and protector; I see his role as a helper, contributor, minder, respecter, ‘kid’, student, and growing human being (keep in mind he is sixteen). For his part, he may see me as an authority, ATM, leader, driver, struggling comedian, and impenetrable wall; whereas he may see himself in our relationship as a fun-seeker and giver, work mule, escapist, model, food connoisseur, and object of unconditional adoration. All joking aside, I cannot fully speak for him but I may not be that far off.

When I encounter relationships in my office, I am often surprised to see how, after years of interaction, they finally realize this is happening. Though these two different relationships take place all the time, it’s not uncommon for a husband in a couple’s relationship to assume what he thinks his and his wife’s roles are: that he gets to work and have fun; whereas he may expect her to provide hot meals, managed kids, well-kept house, fresh make-up and other “benefits”. For her part, she may see her role as manager of the home, shopper, party planner, decorator, nurturer, and special interest pursuer; with his role being bread winner, disciplinarian, emotional rock, heavy lifter and handy man.

I call this “You and Me versus Me and You”. All grammatical folly aside, what that means is “you and me” takes place from your vantage point whereas “me and you” comes from how I think it is (or should be). These unspoken arrangements can swing from the harmless to the destructive in a variety of different ways.

The Hidden Contract:

In each of the above-mentioned relationships there exists a type of hidden contract—that each may come to expect but have difficulty clarifying. This contract may have endless and shifting lists based on whatever is bothering us that day. The crux of our hidden contracts involves expectations in three areas, each person toward the other. This takes place in marriages, in families, and in the workplace.

What We Expect from the Other:             In this contract, we have an idea of what we want, or expect, and so build on those expectations—most often in our head. Oftentimes, we don’t really think about it in detail and may be able to name more of what we don’t like (or want) than what we do. When we float about with unspecified and unclarified expectations we develop disappointments which can then harden into resentments—leaving us hurt and angry all over the place.

Keep in mind that It’s all right to have certain expectations but we must be careful to not let them run wild or we will hit constant frustration. Take, for example, an employer/employee relationship where the two-different relationship concept plays out. An employer can expect an employee to be on time, do what is asked, and follow some basic rules; however, if the employer expects those he hired to know aspects of the job they are not ready for, then problems arise.

For the parent/teenager, this comes up often when parents expect their teens to know certain behaviors and attitudes that have not been made clear. I have many times been in my office, asking parents how the expectation was communicated, only to be met with confused looks and stutters. Understandably, this causes frustration for both parties—the parents feeling as though their child is willfully railing against them (which can happen), and the child feeling like they just can’t win…ever!

Some Questions to Ask Ourselves: What am I expecting of others? (What do I expect of this person?) Are these expectations reasonable and clear? If so, how are they made clear? Am I asking them to ‘read my mind’? What do I do when these expectations are not met? Am I satisfied with the outcome? Do I find myself disappointed in others often? Do I allow others to be them? Am I only satisfied with others when they do what I expect or want?

What We Think the Other Expects from Us:         This part of the contract has to do with attempting to predict another’s wants and needs—a wholly difficult process. When we were children, we had a very limited way of asking for what we needed, so our parents (if they were attentive) made efforts to offer up consolations. As we grew, however, it became important to learn the language and behavior that allowed our voice to be heard. When we attempt to move in a fashion that seeks to guess at what others want we run into trouble.

For one, we may try to fulfill what we think the other person is looking for—which can then have multiple sub reactions: One person may try to meet whatever they think is being asked of them (at times to an exhausted end); another may just cut themselves off entirely when it seems too difficult or overwhelming to meet what they think is being asked; still a third may instantly become angry and aggressive in an attempt to control over being controlled. This can then continue to loop back to the other person and trigger them to act in similar ways.

The constant read of others can be more intense in some but carries with it a story in our heads of what the other wants and needs. This can very much be related to the expectations we have of others because we are anticipating what others want from us. With this, we could be trying to predict what we think is being asked of, then try to meet whatever imagined request we have judged. Behavior of this sort can be tiring and confusing—both to the giver and the receiver.

Adolescents tend to be heavily pre-occupied in this manner. For many (not all) there is constant guess-work as to what is being asked of them: what their friends want, how to act, what to say, and who to impress. Such behavior can be draining but is actually a normal part of growing up. In this paradox teens tend to be both highly self-absorbed and highly relationally focused—to the point that they feel others are responsible for their feelings. In a healthy course, this emotional tug-o-war will eventually give way to being considerate and respectful of others while having sober expectations of themselves—which lead us to the next peace of the relational puzzle. If they grow into adulthood with this mindset, they can tax both themselves and others, resulting in unhappy relationships.

Some Questions to Ask Ourselves: What are others asking of me? How do I know this? (Give examples) Am I able to ask what it is they need from me? Am I bending over backward to try and meet other’s expectations that have not been made clear? Am I growing angry and resentful of what I think others want from me? Am I disappointed when others don’t do for me what I do for them? Am I doing things expecting the same thing in return? Do they know this?

What We Expect from Ourselves:             The final component of the contract definitely has implications of what we think others want from us but takes on a more personal and less relational role. In what we expect from ourselves there is an internal dialogue of what our obligations are—this can be intense in some and non-existent in others. Many adolescents often don’t think of what role or responsibility they play in relationships because they are highly focused on the first two (Expecting from others and what they think others want from them). Parents and teenagers often hit loggerheads over this very issue. Many parents have a clear understanding of what they expect from themselves, their roles and obligations, whereas teenagers (often still finding who they are) will have a much harder time. This should not necessarily be seen as criticism of teens, who are discovering daily who they are, but should have parents take pause and communicate clearly what is being expected. In relationships with the most friction, neither parents nor teens know what to expect from themselves personally and so look toward the other to define such needs.

On the other end of the spectrum we have individuals highly demanding of themselves (and others) and have a constant drive to meet their own standards.  This can take place at home but often shows itself in employers, who can be the first to arrive and the last to leave the workplace. This drive to push themselves can lead to outstanding product and a “make it happen” attitude. Employees with this attitude often rise to the top and have an internal (intrinsic) motivation that continues to push them—often raising to leadership status within an organization. When employers run into employees that are unsure of what they expect form themselves, the two-different relationship rule can be starkly observed. Employees who are unsure, unmotivated, or unwilling may be unfocused about what they expect from themselves, running into rough consequences.

In both the adolescent and employee situation, it will take confident and understanding leadership to help the other define what to expect from themselves. In this coaching capacity, parents and employers must a). Serve as an example of healthy boundaries and self-control—not foisting their emotional needs on the other; b). Make expectations clear and attainable; c). Invite open communication—allowing others to have their opinions; and, d). Accept responsibility and accountability where appropriate.

Some Questions to Ask Ourselves: What is my role in this relationship? (What do I expect from myself in this?) Do I ever think about my role in this relationship? Am I asking too much of myself or not enough? Am I able to state what I want from them but unable to articulate what my role is? Do I expect more from myself than I do of them?

We can all get these expectations mixed and muddled—which happens to be the human condition. What is most important is that we recognize them and go about being balanced and understanding in how we move forward. We must ask ourselves the above questions, realizing that we have been influenced by our upbringing and the expectations put on us when young. We must also remember to let us be us and the other be them! It may help to note that having two different relationships can be as normal as it is transitional—giving grace to ourselves and the other in the process. Remember, clear communication with ourselves and others can smooth out many of the rough spots.

If you are in need of more help in your relationships, check out my other blog posts at www.chrisoneth.com/blog., or visit my Facebook page Chris Oneth LMFT. If you need help in your personal or relational life, contact my office at 209-527-8943 to set up an appointment. If you are out of the area, finding a good therapist who is understanding and informative can be an important step in good mental health.

Blessings;

Chris