The Focal Point: How and Why People, Places, and Things Take on Powerful Meaning

That break up song, that “special place” you met, the smell of fresh baked cookies, and even the Washington monument. What they all have in common is that they can trigger powerful emotions—some invited and others pushed away. As people, we operate in complex and interesting ways, each with both benefits and drawbacks. When it comes to emotions, they can tend to glob on to seemingly random and innocuous people, places, and things. Understanding why this is can be the first step in recognizing, then shaping, what goes on in us when that happens.

1.       We Have No Other Way:

Way back in the bible they were always building monuments of one kind or another. Go to Washington D.C., see the Lincoln Memorial, read the words that are inscribed near it—they serve as a powerful reminder of who we are, and who we were. Today, in this fast-paced, soccer games, recitals, electronic information overload, going over to friends for dinner, and even church on weekends, our time is crammed full to the minute. As a result we can have a difficult time connecting to who we are as individuals and our families as a whole—let alone our civic duty and national pride. Monuments serve as symbols and focal points to evoke emotions when it seems difficult to do otherwise. We as individuals may erect our own monuments that serve to keep us focused by evoking emotions that keep in line with our values. Companies in the last number of years have taken to carving out mission statements to keep its associates targeted on what the company is striving for. For the individual, one may label themselves a husband and father which serves as a personal mission statement—the term “husband and father” becoming a verbal symbol that serves as a focal point for powerful emotions of love and belonging. Even the car we buy can become a focal point of expressing success, toughness, love, belonging, and pride—things that are difficult to articulate, so why not buy a car that does! It can be hard to find the time, or the place, to get in touch with our powerful feelings and share them with others when we do not know how—so the result can be that we evoke symbols to do just that.   

2.       We Don’t Want to Let Go:

When the Adele song “Someone Like You” came out in 2011, it reached the top of the charts in most every country in the world. The heart-felt lyrics, painful notes, and powerful vocals invoked in all of us the crush of love lost and break up (no doubt it will serve as that quintessential song for ages heretofore!). Even if we have never had such relational catastrophe we certainly “have a friend” whom we can empathize with in this matter. So it goes that this song, and others like it, tap into feelings that may not have any other outlet save for that song. And the truth is that it doesn’t have to be a song: the smell of that perfume (or cologne!), that time of year when the sun is in the horizon and the air is cool, the old house you grew up on as a kid, all can serve to tap into feelings we want to keep with us for one reason or another—painful or not! In this way, the focal point that is created by these symbols serves a grand purpose, to keep the feeling alive. Whether the pain of break-up is just too exquisite to let go of, or you want to hold on to those fall nights when all of your friends would gather together at the game, the focal point brings it right back from that dusty file cabinet deep in the back of your mind. This whole process of triggering our memories from symbols in our life can work powerfully in our favor as well. Couples should be encouraged to look at photographs of great memories together, or buy a bottle of that scent that was worn when dating, or even do things they once done when younger—they all can serve as a good way to bring up great memories and make brand new ones.

3.       We Don’t Know What to Do:

The young couple that sits across from me is at a loss of how to move forward. Every time he approaches her she seems, “standoffish, depressed, and even hostile”. Every time she sees him she is reminded of their financial situation, their son that is in trouble at school, and her husband’s difficulty in finding regular work. In this situation, the young wife’s angst is brought to the surface when she sees her husband—as if at 10 pm he should be out looking for work. By her own admission he is working hard to make things happen but she cannot seem to let go. What this can tie into is a number of issues: how she sees herself, her own family history, and their history as a couple. But what the end result ends up being is disconnection: from each other and even from some real solutions. To be fair, she is stressed (and has every right to be) but she is also associating so many stressors with her husband; thus, he has become the focal point of fear and insecurity. This sort of phenomena happens all the time with people who love and care about each other—father to son, husband to wife, parent to child, and so on. What is most needed is for them to have moments of honest expression about the situation, possible solution ideas, even ‘miracle’ cures, and then leave it aside for the next day. In this way they can come together (which they need now more than ever) instead of being pushed apart.

4.       We Can’t Let Go (Or Escape It):

As she sits across from me in my office her pain is palpable and without remission. She shares that something happened in her young adulthood that she cannot seem to move on from. It was in a park, late at night, and she felt helpless. Now, every park, and even some men, bring the event right up to the front of her memory again—as if it happened yesterday. What was even worse is that her mother blamed her which has since served as a second trauma. She and I have discovered that the items that trigger her—parks and men—have become a focal point for her powerful feelings of fear, helplessness, shame, disgust, and hopelessness. This type of complex trauma can take years to work through but first she must feel safe and begin to recognize that her triggers are not what happened to her but merely represent what happened to her. With time she will begin to feel safe again but not before she starts to challenge and confront these powerful symbols in her life—which have long stood for her being a victim of a horrible situation. Eventually she will begin to take on more self-efficacy and self-advocacy when she can say, “No! I will not remain a victim, I will not be subject to symbols, I am a survivor and will move forward as such.” Again, it will take time and much work from her, but it can be done.

When we begin to recognize and articulate our feelings and emotions we can then use the focal points in our lives for good instead of harm. We can invite others into our thoughts and feelings—taking the time for both big and small talk—in order to create those connections that are needed in our lives. It certainly isn’t wrong to have our emotions attach to seemingly random things, but it should give us pause to consider how they are being used and if we have an outlet to share them with others. If you have any thoughts about this, or even some stories of your own, go to my Facebook Page, Chris Oneth MFTi, like the page, and leave a comment. See you next time.

Chris