Why Change is Hard: The Three Great Hurdles to Moving Forward
/Why is change so difficult? Why do some issues have to come with either a huge internal struggle or relational fencing with our loved ones in order to get any sort of movement? Why can’t we just effortlessly find something we want to change in ourselves, easily figure out how to change, and then turn from our troubling behavior? Answers stem from the common sense to complex and give us insight into, not just who we are, but how we are as people. The three great hurdles to change represent stages of a process we go through before change can really take hold. It is important to note that each hurdle gets progressively more difficult as we are constantly employing resistance techniques and avoidance. Change takes hard and focused work but can be done with support.
Hurdle 1: Knowing there is a Problem:
“I had no idea.” “How was I supposed to know?” “I don’t have the problem, you have the problem.” The first hurdle involves actually admitting that, maybe, perhaps, kinda, we could be (part of) the issue. Most all of us live in our own world where our behavior is completely justifiable. In fact, many of us feel that if more people believed as we did the world would be a better place. Of course we have our bad moments but, as my old youth pastor used to say, “We judge others by their actions and we judge ourselves by our intentions.” Even when we say we’ve done something wrong it may usually exist on our terms: the old “yes, I did this but it was only because you did that” routine. Add to this our family backgrounds and the way mom and dad have always done it and it makes for some very murky water as far as what is truly “right and wrong.” Our perceptions usually operate in a fashion that makes every attempt to protect us and not have us seem so horrible as a person. To many, the pain of admitting, “Wow, I have really got to change” is too great to bear so we either ignore our flaws, put up a shield (as if we don’t have any flaws), or go the opposite extreme and admit to everything wrong in the universe including the arctic ice melt. In all three cases we tend not to address the real issues and thus run away from even knowing something must be done about them; which serves as a sort of perverse way of “protection” from change.
Hurdle 2: Knowing What to Do About the Problem:
So the first hurdle is jumped, good job! Its gets only more difficult form here on out. Many people live their whole lives knowing something is wrong but feeling depressed and stuck as to what to do about the whole bag. First, as indicated above, always being the scape goat can serve as a kind of protection. It can work like this: “I’m so fragile that if you approach me with anything I will be crushed, break-down, and emotionally whither before your eyes—so please don’t hurt me.” This most definitely is not a conscious contract in one’s head but an intense feeling of helplessness and rejection if issues are brought up. The other extreme is to get big, loud, huffy, angry, stompy, and generally mean in order to shut down the offender. In either case each person may know deep down something is amiss in their lives but hates to admit it and is at a loss of what to do about it.
So let’s say you’ve had your good cry, or blow up, and you have admitted to an appropriate amount of needed change. The next step is really knowing (and accepting) what is inside and outside of your control. If we see everything as in our power and responsibility to change this can be overwhelming and keep us stuck (even if we are a controlling “go getter”); conversely, if we see ourselves as helpless and unable to move anything then we are likewise stuck. Taking inventory of what is inside and outside of our control can really help us gain perspective of what to do next. (Hint: you can only control yourself and not others).
Aha, you now know what is in and out of your control. Now, you want to know ‘why’ you do the things you do. Is it your family, your time working in the salt mines, your marriage, your children, your choice in fat rich foods? The answer to all of these is a big “maybe.” Yes, most everything can have an influence in our behavior, and finding out why can give us insight into our motives and triggers. The thing we must always watch out for is continuing to sit on the question “why?”. Why is like looking into a mirror. If we look at ourselves for one minute and make sure our clothes are neat and our hair is in style then the mirror has served its purpose; however, if we continue to gaze in the mirror for hours on end we will a). Definitely find more stuff to work on and b). Not have to move forward and do anything! Continuing to ask “why?” is intoxicating and completely in our head. We get drunk on the insights and do nothing to change the outcome—stuck, stuck, stuck!
Ask any therapist and they will tell you there are plenty of clients that will continually mull over what to do while at the same time not accepting what needs to be done. This type of resistance is all about continuing to run from hard realities. We would rather sit in our being stuck than admit what has to be done so we completely block out some options as even options and continue to say, “I just don’t know what to do?” This is where good friends, or a trusted and insightful therapist, will not let you off the hook. They may not tell you what to do (after all, many get blamed when full-hearted advice is done half-heartedly and doesn’t work out) but they will be honest with you and help guide you to the truth that you may be running from.
Hurdle 3: Actually Doing Something About the Problem:
Great, you know you have a problem, you know what to do, now do it—but it’s just not that easy. Its easiest to do what we have always done. In this way we tend to be addicted to our own behavior, even when it is bad for us. After all, we are experts at doing what we have always done! As a result there tends to be three patterns that develop from this: First, fully accepting that we know what to do to change (we have done all the avoiding already), we just don’t want to let go and move into unfamiliar territory. Holding tightly onto our old behavior may not be healthy or safe but it may seem better than the unknown alternatives. Fear keeps us from abandoning our long held friend dysfunction (who treated us like crap but at least he always showed up!). As a result we have a death grip on the very thing (or behavior) that is causing us pain. The second pattern for us to engage in when it comes to not letting go of our old ways is something I like to call the “government principle”—we just take our dysfunctional behavior and do more of it, hoping that the outcome will change. If you yell in arguments you know what I am talking about—when you’re met with the same you just do more of it and raise your volume (or you could shut down and do more of that). The third pattern that tends to take place is that you try, fail, and give up. After all, everything should come easy in life, right? Let’s face it, you have spent a long time doing the things that are causing you difficulty. Take heart! You will not change overnight, you will fail sometimes and that’s okay. The nuance here is that you can give yourself a break without using your imperfection to avoid changing all together.
So there you are—the three great hurdles to change. Keep in mind that each of these concepts have many complex rabbit trials that have entire books written about them. I can even see other blog posts spawning from some of the issues brought up here. Remember, becoming aware of our patterns can help us identify them which can then aid us in moving forward—remember, change can, and does, happen. Comment on this by going to my Facebook Page Chris Oneth MFTi, liking the page, and then adding your thoughts.
Chris