The Six Stages of Relational Conflict: How We Fix or Fuel Our Arguments

/ Downey Park Counseling Associates/

Although each of our conflicts have different themes and flavors, most can be categorized as going through six phases or stages. Keep in mind that how we approach conflicts has much to do with our background and even the person we are having the conflict with: wife, father, mother, teenager, coworker. This means that whether or not we chose to divert or continue the cycle has much to do with both how we relate to the person across from us and our individual distortions. We can even go through this cycle in our own heads. Whether we keep it going is entirely our choice and in our contro

1.     Input/Trigger

  • Can be external or internal
    • External = what we hear or see (can be verbal or behavioral)
    • Internal = in our head
  • Is often fueled by cognitive and relational distortions
  • Can be momentarily overwhelming in feeling
  • Sets into motion the argument cycle

2.     Reaction

  • Our gut response to the input or trigger we receive
  • The feeling in our body
  • Knee jerk reaction
  • The immediate interpretation of our distortions
  • Often comes from our fight or flight body reactions
  • Has difficulty seeing deeper issues due to the intense feelings input creates
  • At the point we get defensive, we either put the blame on others or on ourselves

3.     Response

  • How we answer another’s reaction to the input received
  • The immediate expression of our distortions
  • Can either add fuel to the argument or divert the argument to potential resolution = Threat Response vs. Open Response.
  1. Threat Response: Gets defensive, dismissive and can either completely shut down or put up a fight to win. Such behavior can create another input/trigger; or, submits, self-blames, and folds in order to push off the issue.
  2. Open Response: Lets others communicate and ask questions for clarification.
  • Requires awareness of the feelings that can fuel an argument and how to address them.
  • Can benefit from communication strategies that involve responsive listening.

 4.  Cycle

  • When we react to ours and others distortions/responses and keep the fire going.
  • Continuing input/reaction/response by not acknowledging our deeper feelings about being challenged.
  • Can be a never ending loop and often brings out other arguments (topics, issues) to bear.
  • Creates a “win loop” that can be difficult to jump off once our emotions take over.
  • Often has more to do with fighting one’s feelings than resolving issues.
  • Leaves both parties feeling unheard, disrespected and closed.

 5.   Redirection

  • The “olive branch” of argumentation.
  • Steps outside of a potential loop to recognize deeper issues and feelings associated with reaction and response. 
  • Is not "giving up" but a sincere attempt at take the discussion in a more meaningful direction.
  • Does not dismiss one’s own feelings or stuff issues.
  • Seeks to understand over being understood.
  • Willfully decides to hear and acknowledge.
  • Communicates assertively and generously.

3.     Resolution

  • Happens after both parties feel heard and recognized.
  • Puts to rest the issue but also leaves room for further communication on the subject if need be.
  • Accepts others feelings, concerns, misunderstandings, and hurts.
  • Is not afraid to engage in further discussion whatever issues arrive.
  • Paves the way for future healthy communication.

Remember, we all grow used to the behavior we grew up with. This means that change can come slowly (which can be frustrating!). If we have always responded in a threat mode then retraining ourselves can take time--take heart, it can be done. If you have any questions or comments related to this post or others please visit my facebook page Chris Oneth MFTi or use the link above.

Chris