When They Go, Part 2: Parents Staying and Children Growing Up: The Five Feelings That Accompany Kids on Their Own

In my last installment of “When They Go” (Part 1) I discussed the feeling parents may go through when their children fly from the nest—seeing as how my oldest is about to do just that. But I thought it important to also explore some of what the children themselves are going through in this time of transition.  Where it’s true that major growth occurs within the brain from aged zero to a child’s first year, another type of profound growth occurs during the time from about aged 12 to our early 20’s. In this adolescent stage, identities are formed, world views coalesce, and relationships undergo significant metamorphosis. In the recent past, many thought the early Junior High school/Middle school ages to be the most challenging; Now, we know that leaving home can be every bit as much a struggle—with the added component of greater self-presentation skills masking profound fear and insecurity. As these changes occur, it can be at once both exhilarating and daunting, with parental support and encouragement needed all the more—though in a changed capacity. After interviewing a few recent “move outs” here are the five common feelings associated with leaving home.

1.       A Feeling of Freedom:

Okay, so we first go for the low hanging fruit. What may lie at the core of so many kids leaving home is the idea that they can finally be free—free from rules, free from questions, and free from parental proximity. Let’s face it; people don’t really like being told what to do. No doubt that part of the tension that teens and parents experience, among other things, is that teens are coming into their own beliefs, attitudes and observations about life and the state of the world—independently of their parents. When it comes time to leave teens can finally practice what they have suspected all along—that they have a fine grasp on the world without their parents input. It is interesting to note that, given this opportunity with all the rails removed, young people begin to really feel the power of natural consequences, the effect of which can be profound.

It should be recognized that the feeling of freedom also comes with a caveat. One of the most common themes among those that I was able to speak with was a sense of feeling “adrift”. Where home provided a type of structure it also provided a predictability and certainty that, although at times disliked and scorned, was mourned when gone. Those who both did, and did not, go to college all shared that for a time they lost a sense of what to do next. With no parent telling them to take out the garbage or clean their room (or buy food for that matter), they suddenly realized the chance to live unencumbered was a frightening realization. One former student shared “I remember going to the refrigerator, seeing there was nothing, then realizing ‘oh, I guess I have to take care of that’.”

It is during this time that it is not uncommon for young people to take a type of nose dive of anywhere from losing their 24 hour cycle (hey, no one told me to get up!), to gaining weight (the freshman 15), to binge drinking and partying. Not all follow the same path of course but all, at some point, have to come to the mature realization: “Hey, I’ve got to get a handle on this”. The truth is, for many of the college age, some of what must be learned can only come from being away from home. For them, not having a parent remind them, or a safety net to fall into, may help them realize that they are the lone sower of the harvest they must reap—and what a liberating moment indeed.

2.       A Feeling of Loneliness:

Congratulations on your freedom young person! After the high life of no rules and oppression has worn off the real work of adjustment to the adult world can begin. The second theme I found among those leaving home was a profound sense of loneliness and disconnection—which coincides with the feeling of being adrift.  I did not find this statement among those who married, although certainly a type of loneliness can take hold even in this arrangement (when two young people are just learning how to communicate). Think about it, most everything (and everyone) you have known, and trusted in, has just experienced a dramatic shift. This feeling of disconnection and loneliness was not as profound for those young people that stayed close to home but for those who left town (ostensibly to go to college) it was pervasive. The parents that you’ve gained your independence from, the siblings that drove you crazy, that small town of nowheresville, the predictable and boring daily routines—all ‘gone’. Now, you are left with you. One young man told me that he remembers the first couple of days on his own not talking for the entire day. Another young woman told me that, at the first time of significant stress (with her entire family and support system three states away) she just broke down and cried.  

This brings us to another noteworthy issue with those on the threshold of adulthood—the issue of identity. This type of loneliness no doubt comes from the feeling of disconnectedness and neither knowing, or being known, by anyone. Such feelings manifest themselves by having our entire sense of who we are recalibrated in the face of wholly new surroundings. While we are at home, in our own hometown, we use a type of ‘relational sonar’ that pings off of those in our circle. We then respond and relate according to those pings—they become predictable, known, and trusted. Once all those relationships are no longer there it takes some time to establish new relationships. During this establishing of the new, we may find (or become overly concerned that) what worked at home does not work in College Town USA. It is during this time that many college age young people lose who they are—or profoundly change to be nearly unrecognizable at home. We may take on wholly new identities based on the friends that are most readily available. And if the young person has always been a ‘big fish’ (seen as smarter, more capable, or a great athlete) this feeling takes on what colleges are calling The Imposter Syndrome:  the sense that they made it to college (or grad school) on a fluke, that they don’t really belong with all of the others who are actually capable (re: identity in being ‘better than’ not equal with). It is no wonder that many so passionately identify themselves as a “Duck”, “Timberwolf” or “Bruin” when the college attended becomes adopted as a type of identity (and family) molded onto young, and lonely, minds.

3.       A Feeling of Dread:

Just like the parents discussed in part one, the feeling of dread (fear, confusion, and disappointment all rolled into one) can grow. With a certain loss of self and identity there can come a panic of what is next, ‘how do I make it’, and ‘I don’t know what I am doing’. Of course this can be mitigated by living close to home but even then there can be a personal expectation that says, “I am an adult now and should not have to run to mommy and daddy”. The feeling of dread can accompany any of us when the unexpected is in the offing—when changing a career path or being let go from a secure job. In a very real sense, that fear can help drive us to shore up options, move into action, or stop making excuses. But when fear is combined with an overwhelming sense of not knowing what to do, and loneliness, the effects can be debilitating. Many young folks plod through this confusion, moving forward in fits and starts, only later realizing that most other young people around them are going through the same.

This brings another interesting point: tension. Imagine you are given a job to do, no real instruction, concrete deadlines, and then well-meaning and frustrated loved ones asking you, “When are you going to get this job figured out?” The feeling can mirror smashing your finger with a hammer only to have someone ask, “Why did you do that?” Arrgh! Many speculate that part of why teenagers swing from the most enjoyable and pleasant people ever, to curt and rude ingrates, are precisely the tensions of changing feelings, thoughts and attitudes. And for the older kids, all this is still happening while trying to move out! The child barks, the parent fires back (or avoids saying anything) and tension takes over. This in no way excuses rude and abrasive behavior by anyone, but what may trigger a parent to launch into a “When I was your age” monologue could just as well trigger a, “Hey, this must be tough on you.” I would invite any to try it and see how it goes; at the very least it keeps the grownups from handing young people an excuse to be butt headed. All this to say that life is tough; it’s tougher when you’re younger.

4.       A Feeling of Dissatisfaction:

I had a few responses that indicated a type of dissatisfaction with all the hype and glam of being totally grown up not matching the reality. Like shaving, it seems really cool until the day to day have to. I remember being younger and thinking that being a grown up meant you could hop in the car and take off whenever and to wherever you wanted—which is true but with a bunch more moving parts. When younger, the constraints of parents kept us from doing whatever, as an adult (many come to find) it becomes the constraints of everything else: money, job, school, and life. One young man shared with me that “No one taught me what to do, or how to deal, with money”. For many of the young, somehow the food finds itself in the fridge, toiletries are no expense and owning a car means you just have to pay for the pink slip. Many spoke of how surprised they were of all the minute things that constantly tap the bank account—which is where a skill or an education becomes a must in today’s economy.

Dissatisfaction may not always be a bad prospect. In fact, it can proceed ways to work through an issue so that satisfaction becomes the norm. For many of the young leaving home to be married, a general dissatisfaction with what they have seen in relationships growing up can be the catalyst that creates a change for the better in their own newly minted commitment. I remember my wife and I arguing constantly in the first six months of our marriage before we sat down and drew up a few rules in order to corral our heated exchanges (no name calling, no bringing up past arguments, no holding of the ears while humming loudly, etc.). The real sense I gained from those I spoke with was that their dissatisfaction was more a correction of the story they made up about being on their own and not a relegation that their situation was a disappointment—it is one thing to be dissatisfied and a wholly different prospect to be disappointed.

5.       A Feeling of Maturity:

This leaves us with our final feeling, and perhaps the one that must rule them all. Life is filled with both precise moments and long hauls that can change us in remarkable ways. One young man shared a turning point in which he got off at the wrong bus stop, was lost, and then found his way back home. It then dawned on him that one of his greatest fears was getting lost and not knowing what to do. The only way to overcome such fear was to get lost (paradoxically). The sense that “I’m it” for those moving out does not necessarily come without growing pains—fears, failures, disappointments, and victories. It is in these moments that they realize that all of what they’re going through is part of maturing.  Perhaps the greatest walk-away that those who leave home take with them is that it is a process and not simply a product—or put another way, one has to become they cannot simply be. Is this disappointing? Yes; is it better? Absolutely!

So, as a parent, I’m going to try hard to remember all of this as my daughter—and eventually her brothers—venture on their way. I will remind myself that it’s scary out there, especially when they are gaining their strength through each step. I will also keep in mind that, through this process, I am still maturing—after all, I’ve never experienced this before.

If you have any questions or would like to leave a comment, go to my Facebook Page Chris Oneth MFTi and leave a word. If you would like to see more articles “like” my Facebook page and you will get to see more.

Chris