5 Decisions Ago: How We Can Keep From Making Another Poor Move

A young man sits across from me during a session, struggling about what to do next. His car has been impounded due to no registration or insurance, but he must get to work in order to meet these bills. At this point it seems is only choices are bad and worse.

During a couple’s session, a young husband sits confused wondering if he should leave his wife because of all the pain and hardship they've put themselves through—convinced he can either stay and be miserable or leave and lose everything.

A mother sits in tears, wondering how much more financial help to give her daughter who is facing eviction. 

Each decision seems excruciating with no easy choices to make; however, we so often are faced with either one poor choice or another because of the path we have led ourselves down. What may seem like no other alternative, may actually be a state that we have driven ourselves to that really started five decisions ago. For example, the young man who must now find some other way to get to work because he put off important bills naturally feels "stuck" in his predicament. This seems a simple example, and fairly obvious, but we must consider what very difficult choices we are faced with that would have been better had we taken the time to measure our steps. This can be a very difficult prospect, given the hidden motivations, powerful feelings, and continual scripts that we are unaware of.

Often times, thoughts such as "no choice", "trapped", "stuck", and "I don't know" are simply untrue—albeit still difficult no doubt. What may have been a somewhat tough choice five decisions ago now seems excruciating given the alternatives in the present. When these situations present themselves we have two questions to ask: "Have I made this more difficult by my prior decisions?" And/or "What steps can I take to ensure I make a wise decision now?" If the answer is "yes" to the first question then some unraveling may have to be done—even some harsh consequences faced. If the problem is new then the following five steps may prove beneficial:

1. Step Back From the Situation:

Many of us can be emotional decision-makers. If this is true of you, be sure and remove yourself from the situation so no immediate decisions are made. Either take a day or so to think it over or ask yourself out loud if the next decision to be made should be done at this moment or put off to a more sober time. Another way to consider this is to imagine a friend or relative going through the same situation. What advice or direction would you give them given the choices they had to make? By removing yourself from the story and the situation you may find a clearer perspective can be found. A noted warning, stepping outside of the decision does not mean blowing it off entirely. Many of us who have a gift of redirection from stress may also have a corresponding weakness of not facing responsibility so do be careful.

2. Consider What is Motivating You:

In considering what motivates you to follow through with any decision it may help to answer the following questions: What have I to gain from this? What need am I trying to fill through this? Does this decision inform my identity (who I am or want to be)? How will this decision affect others close to me? Who am I trying to make happy? There are certainly many more questions you could ask but the bottom line is, recognize the motivations under the surface of what you are about to do. Such motivations can be powerful and should not be given short shrift. When it comes to decisions we make based on others liking us, how we want to be seen, or the person we want to present we can find down the road that we should have thought better of heading down that road. Keep in mind also that looking back on some of your earlier decisions may help inform choices yet to be made. As always, be careful not to mull things over ad infinitum as this can cause obsession and anxiety.

3. Examine your Beliefs and Distortions:

A staple in my practice is to run clients through three assessments: personal beliefs, relational beliefs, and global beliefs (each having a major influence on the way we process information)—but that's a discussion for another day. In examining such beliefs we may uncover that there are also distortions related to them; for example, if I think in "absolutes" such as all or nothing or black and white, then I run the risk of missing all that is in between. If we make our decisions based on such a belief then I am forced to either have everything or be faced with nothing—an anxiety provoking and untrue prospect anyway you look at it. Putting to the test by critical inquiry such beliefs and distortions can mitigate the potential to act on impulse or misinformed judgments. It’s a practice that takes time to develop but being aware of these thinking habits is the first step in overcoming them.

4. Weigh Out the Possibilities/Alternatives:

It is always good practice to weigh the benefits and alternatives of a decision made (or not made). We often run through in our heads the "if/then" scenarios; however, there is an added benefit to actually writing out the benefits/alternatives or cost/benefit analysis of big decisions we are making. In this way we can, for a moment, step out of the emotional part of our brain and give our reasoning part of the brain a little bit of airtime. Take a piece of paper and write a line down the middle with a “+” column and a “—“ column side by side for benefits and drawbacks on the decision about to be made. If this seems like too much work for some consider the added work, pain and hardship after a poor decision is made.

5. Seek Council:

Likely the most common sense but often overlooked step to making a good decision is seeking wise counsel from a friend, pastor or mentor. Just as we might attempt to take an alternate position by removing ourselves a bit from the situation, a friend may even have more of a chance at an unbiased approach. We are often blocked from seeking counsel for a number of reasons (including some above) but these relationships exist in order to add to our lives just as we would seek to add to theirs. Keeping this in mind, running a decision past a friends ears may serve not only to help us hear our thought process but also add to the meaning of the friendship as well. After all, how many times has a friend come to you for good counsel in which your reply was "I don't want to hear it". The truth is, we need solid relationships for this reason, and they need us. I would venture to guess that when several poor decisions are strung together it is because we feel we either want to hide the decision we are making (for guilt reasons), or we feel no one would understand and we are all alone in the matter. A word of note: consider also those from whom you are seeking advice—your children, drinking buddy or deadbeat cousin may give you great ideas on their areas of expertise but will be sorely lacking in others.

As stated before, changing our behavior can be tough (Read: Three Hurdles) but if we find ourselves in a constant state of panic, regret or helplessness then it may be time to do just that. At first, these steps will seem difficult and clunky. But just like any new skill, with time they will become second nature and vitally useful (remember learning how to drive?). The key point to remember is this: your habits were not built over night so neither will change be. Have a passion to do something different yet live in grace that you are not perfect.

If you are interested in more information take time to read the other articles in my blog at chrisoneth.com and if you need counsel, call my office so we can meet; also, comment on this by going to my Facebook Page Chris Oneth MFTi, liking the page, and then adding your thoughts.