How To Change: Three Essential Elements Needed to Overcome Oursleves
/In an earlier post, we talked about Why Change is Hard: The Three Great Hurdles to Moving Forward. Now, it is important to recognize the three essential elements that are needed to overcome those hurdles. Whereas the three hurtles pointed out why change is so difficult these three essential elements can keep us on track so that change is actually possible. Keep in mind that each element also gives insight to the techniques we employ to avoid the changes we need. It is also difficult and frustrating to try and change with only one or two of the following three elements. These elements have relevance in our personal, work and family lives.
ELEMENT ONE: PERSONAL REFLECTION
If you remember, the first hurdle to overcoming change is admitting that we could possibly be part of the problem. In order to do this we first have to admit that we are contributing to, if not thee, problem itself. This can be difficult considering our tendency to see everything else (our family, our job, our broken down car) as the problem. Now to be fair, and not completely down on ourselves, we should recognize that we tend to operate by hidden motivations and fears that are pushing us on our misguided course. But we will continue to be unaware that change is needed if we do not take the time for personal refection. Without time taken toward giving ourselves a hard look, and critically questioning our thoughts and motives, then we are destined to continue acting on them. So often, we avoid the discomfort reflection might bring by using a myriad of techniques: crazy schedules, stacking obligations, multiple interests, and even substances. Personal reflection requires quiet moments where we are able to ask ourselves the "why and why not?" of our lives. Even if we are not in need of rooting out something wrong, the time to clear our head, reflect, be quiet and sit with our own thoughts can have a reset type quality that rejuvenates us for the day (or week) ahead. Without it we are simply acting on impulse, emotion, drive, and habit. Some would say that there is simply no time to sit and stare at our navel; I get it, but if you want to bring on serious change, a moment (or moments) of silence and reflection are vital.
Keep in mind that this personal time should not be engaged in simply being by yourself watching the game or reaching the next level of Halo—though they have their place. This time of reflection should exist in the quietness of your own thoughts and questions (take a walk, write thoughts down, pray or even meditate). If you are completely unfamiliar with thinking and questioning, then it’s a muscle that could use some building—no sweat, these things take time. If it’s a business that needs change then approaching introspection in a collective manner can reap big rewards. Moving away from the “That’s the way it’s always been done” mindset can be monumental. This comes in the form of poking holes in the things we do collectively and seeing what stands up and what must be shifted—either way the “hard look” rule applies. If you are one of those who like to blame yourself for everything, then the hard look comes with realizing that tendency and then stepping back from being responsible for everything.
Action: Take an hour or so to reflect on where you are in your life. Are you where you want to be? Why not? Do you deal with things in a healthy manner? If so, how? If not, what is it that you would like to do? Keep asking yourself questions and reflect on the answers.
ELEMENT TWO: KNOWLEDGE
If the first hurdle to change is recognizing we have a problem (with its corresponding element personal reflection in order to see the problem) then the second hurdle to change is knowing what to do—answered by the second element: knowledge. The self-help industry loves this element and has banked on it for a number of years. People thirst for answers and tools in order to empower themselves. As such they are want to snatch up every book, pamphlet, video, and shiny toothed preacher that can give them some sort of "magic" to inspire their destiny. The want for knowledge is not at all wrong but it is difficult to hold without repeated instruction (more on that later). Besides, one of the blocks to knowledge is that it can be easily dispensed and just as quickly rejected. Therapists often quip that when clients ask them what to do, and then are given options, they immediately ask again what to do!
Knowledge of what to do is important but there are some caveats that must be remembered: first, much is dependent on where the knowledge is coming from. If you're asking a five time divorce’ how to work out marital difficulties you may be seeking knowledge from a compromised source. Likewise if you are picking up on the latest self-help fad and diet program you may not reap the benefits they so readily promise. The second caveat of knowledge is that it tends to be half done (which may explain why your self-help book hasn't worked!). When knowledge is done halfheartedly often the source is blamed rather than the seeker. Be careful and be sure to implement personal reflection once again to see if you're actually willing to follow through on the knowledge that is sought. For business, looking at the way other businesses have been successful can be a huge resource—you need not reinvent the wheel. Keep in mind that the acid test for any kind of knowledge is this: Is the source reliable? Has it worked? How has it worked? How was it implemented? If we can put up to scrutiny the knowledge that is in front of us and it passes these questions, then you're probably good to go. (Think the Bible). The chasing after such information can provide understanding, education, enlightenment and tools to help you move forward.
Action: Consider what it is you want to change and get some information on other’s who have struggled with, and overcome, the issue—this can apply to anything from procrastination to depression. Also, go to a well-respected source such as the bible to inform how people (and you) operate.
ELEMENT THREE: COMMUNITY
The third hurdle to change is actually doing what needs to be done. In this case, the essential element of community can better ensure that action takes place. Community can appear in a number of different forms. For some, community may be good friends, for others it is a church group, and still others, their family. It is for this reason that self-help groups exist such as Weight Watchers, narcotics anonymous, and even grief support. Without a good group of friends that can pour into you, and that you can pour into, all the self-help books in the world may not help us follow-through with the changes we seek. It is the element of community that says to the one "you can do this" and even "how are you doing with this?" and to the other, “Why did you do that?” and “How did that work for your?” Community provides accountability, support, encouragement, ideas, and empathy to those who are seeking a change. Not only that but we as people are made to exist in community— in and around others. For businesses this may take the form of in house (the individual workers and leadership) and out of house (a network of leaders and managers in similar fields) that can buoy one another on toward creating a new norm. If we find ourselves avoiding connection this could be a sign that we are volunteering to remain stuck. The word of caution here is that the community one keeps can be an essential element to change. It has been long understood in the drug recovery community that if we seek to stop using, a whole new set of friends may need to be found—find a community that is good for you, and that you are good for!
Action: Are the people you associate with helping you move forward? Are you close enough (and vulnerable enough) to connect with them? Do they hold a positive and purposed influence in your life? Are you accepting or rejecting what they are saying to you? Ask these questions of yourself and the company you keep and see where you go.
We all have areas in our life we want change and it can be frustrating when we feel stuck in who or where we are. Change does not come overnight but if we are trying to force it without all of these elements: reflection, knowledge and community, then we are fighting an uphill battle. Remember also that all three elements should also influence each other. We are meant to be connected to ourselves, to our world and to those around us. If you are wanting to make some serious changes put these three elements in place and let me know how it goes. As always, more articles can be found on my blog at chrisoneth.com and if you want regular updates then like my facebook page Chris Oneth MFTI.
Chris