How We Burn Out: The Five Causes and What to Do About Them

Burnout seems to be an ever growing issue. There are plenty of resources we can go after that give us signs of burning out: Anger, fatigue, inability to sleep, and compromised relationships, but we can be hard pressed to find out the how in the process of causing burn-out. One of our biggest culprits, stress, can be the mastermind behind the controls—which makes dealing with the stress an imperative. But there can be ever increasing core issues that allow stress to take hold in the first place. We can listen to relaxing music for days on end, attend every yoga class in town, and even fire up a bushel of incense but if we are not getting to the how, we are trying to coast up hill. Below are five elements that foster stress and ultimately, burn out. 

1.       Competing Values:

Family, friends, school, work, study, play, helping, or competing: We are driven by values not easily forfeited, and for good reason. Our values come from inside of us and can be shaped by our upbringing, friends, religious convictions and even our culture. There are hidden values of self-worth, belonging, acceptance etc. and then there are expressed values of family, friends, hard work and so on. They help define who we are, give us direction, keep us from acting foolish and even provide a certain passion for moving forward. Our values drive us from deep inside: if we value family, connection with them becomes a priority; if we value hard work, long hours at the job can be the norm; if we value being accepted, it can be very difficult to turn people down.

Values properly placed and in the right context can lead to a full and rich life. The caution comes when the values we hold have begun to compete among themselves. Take for example the pastor who must watch the flock but also has children at home that need him. After a long day he comes home to his wife who is frustrated with his time away. In this case he values his congregation and his family but is having a hard time in the balance. A young mother may want to keep a spotless home the way her mother did (valuing taking care of what is hers) but is increasingly frustrated about not giving enough time to her children. Even the young man who is taking a full-time student load (valuing education) is pushed to the limit having to work extra hours to keep his truck (which can be an expression of his freedom). Tie these into our hidden values of acceptance and belonging and a clean home is not just a clean home and a truck is not just a truck—they act as a vehicle to obtain what is deeply important. 

One way to negotiate our competing values is to determine what is truly important and what we are valuing that is causing added, and unneeded, stress. Writing down what is of top value to us and then placing a number next to them can be a good way to prioritize what we find most important. It also gives us an opportunity to be honest with ourselves. Asking a loved one what we appear to value can add to the list we make. If some of us find we are working extra hours to afford certain items, for example, then maybe we value looking good and being accepted to the point that it takes away from some of the other priorities we state. We then may be asked to make some tough decisions as to what to keep and what to back off from. If we have been making work a priority value over my family, then consciously putting family first will raise their number to their proper place. Remember: don’t mistake interests for values; values are less action and more themes that move us (refer to the diagram).  

2.       Competing Interests:

Everyone wants some skin in the game. Interests are often confused with, and affected by, our values. The difference between interests and values are: where values come from inside of us, interests pull from outside of us and are more action oriented. Interests demand our attention because of the value we place on them, and if there are a host of competing interests then trimming our plate may be in order. Competing interests are also not as hard set as our values, they can ebb and flow. Some are greater during certain seasons of our lives than others. The pastor mentioned above values his family and his church so the pull interests are family time and parishioner time (and they have to be prioritized!)

One very important distinction we must all make is to have our values determine our interests and not the other way around. When we begin to let our interests call the shots then we are letting outside forces shape who we are; for example, if one of my interests pulling for my attention is my job and I let it take over as a value, then I will find my identity and meaning at my job (a common occurrence). A good day will put me on top of the world and a bad day will certainly be made clear on my part toward everyone around me. Not only that, I will forgo the real values that add meaning and fullness to my life such as family, friends and God—thereby adding to my stress! Just like recognizing my values and placing each in their proper priority, I must list the competing interests in my life and determine, a). Where they fit in my list of values; and b). How much time I am willing to give them. When some interests don’t really have a place on the list then it may be time to throw them out. One important rule of thumb is that there are some interests pulling for our attention (pull interests) that are non-negotiables: spouse, kids, parents, job (I’m sure there are some I have forgotten). But there are also interests that we place in our lives that we can get something out of that we tend to push for (push interests) such as sports, hobbies, alone time and entertainment—just to name a few. Remember, interests most often are not “good” or “bad” it is the motive behind them that we must examine.

3.       Unchallenged Beliefs and Assumptions:

This category pops up pretty often, and for good reason: We are driven by our beliefs that can morph into assumptions. In my practice we assess for these and the results can be surprising, especially when what we have long held has not gone examined for ages. Our beliefs are shaped by our upbringing, values and even our interests—after all we believe based on what we hold dear (values) and we have interests based on what we believe they will give us. If you have a young couple who believe that going after material possessions will make them happy (an expressed value), then they can run themselves ragged trying to reach such an elusive goal. One of the areas I touch on in therapy is becoming aware of these assumptions so that we can begin to put them under scrutiny. It so often is the case that we operate on our beliefs and assumptions (which have strengths and weaknesses) without even thinking or questioning them. The result can be a hidden source of frustration and unhappiness. Challenging such automatic thoughts to see which can be kept and which can be discarded can begin the process of giving yourself a break.

So how do we challenge our beliefs and assumptions? As stated earlier, I assess for such tendencies but you can get started by looking up information on cognitive distortions and asking yourself a few direct questions. For example: “What am I believing about what this (action, belief, interest) is giving me?” or “What am I expecting from (others, myself) in this situation?” Other good questions will include examining your actions and how you come to behave in such ways: Did you see such behavior growing up? What was the result? How did it affect others involved? What would you like to happen? All of these inquiries involve a type of self-connection that may be lacking but take heart! I have had the blessing of front row seats as far as change is concerned—one of the perks of my job!

4.       No Inlets or Outlets:

Inlets and outlets are vitally important for a number of reasons. They not only get us “out of our head” they can serve to activate the different parts of our brain and body that can do anything from increase the output of vital neurotransmitters to get our blood flowing for more physiological health. Inlets allow us to take information or stimuli into our heads whereas outlets allow us expression and connection that help us get out of our heads. Inlets and Outlets need not be complicated (I have found a small inlet in watching squirrels at the part believe it or not!) but they should be regular. Do you like music? Try listening to songs you know the words to and can sing along with, or enjoy some beautiful classical musing on a perfect fall day (one of my favorites). A friend shared with me that he finds himself going to the coffee shop and not wanting to leave as he craves the mindless watching of people.

As for outlets you can engage in, take time to write down some of the non-pressured activities you may have enjoyed in the past before life became so crazy. Do you like to ride bikes? Great, make some time for you to do just that—enjoy the fresh air, the breeze, the birds and the movement. Are you artistic at all? There has been a huge increase in grown-up coloring books that take you to the other brain compartment you are now neglecting (or better yet, color with your kids!). One of my favorite outlets is taking walks in the morning (which have netted some great ideas at times). Keep in mind that these outlets, again, get us out of our head so it is important to take a break from always thinking about the next problem or issue.

Also consider that we can engage in both inlets and outlets simultaneously. When you have a great conversation you are both inletting by listening and outputting by sharing; in fact, personal connection is one of the greatest stress relievers out there—keeping in mind that true conversation is not one sided. Be aware not to make your inlets and outlets into a new competing interest that create more stress. Remember, interests aren’t bad but they become so when they stop being relaxing and become a must. I enjoy time at the gym but was struck when I saw how much some body builders stress out before competition because it has an entirely different meaning for them.

5.       No Connection:

Vital to our entire being is that of connection: to ourselves, to others and to our world—each dependent on the other. To be connected to ourselves we have to be aware of our thoughts and feelings (even our attitude when we hear the term “connected to ourselves”). For this to happen we need those moments of quiet that allow us to process, think and even question what is in our head. Connection is also gained, again, by utilizing inputs and outlets. In our harried state, we tend to never question were we are going or what we are doing (outside of work goals that is). One of the reasons for this is because it can cause unwanted pain or even anxiety (so we go, go, go with no end in sight!). The truth is, what we are running from is exactly the thing we need in order to be connected again. We have to learn to work through and handle the feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, fearful and worried by running into such feelings and not away from them. When we face them head on, question and wrestle, seek counsel, and eventually reach the place where we know we will be all right no matter how uncomfortable it seems.

Connection to others begins with being truly vulnerable and recognizing we need others—and they need us! Once we are connected to ourselves then we can open up to those closest to us in full honesty. Remember, this will be very difficult if we don’t make the time to be deliberate and purposeful about our feelings, attitudes and motivations. Connection to others also involves getting out of our own head and seeing things as others might see them. Consider the inlet and outlet of conversation, each time we interact with others we are creating a bridge of understanding. Connecting to our world means being aware and mindful of how we see society in relation to ourselves: are you connected to God? Is the world a place you can trust? Are you adrift and no one cares? These are all questions that relate to how you see the world around you. Through this process keep in mind that answers about ourselves may not just fall from the sky but with time (and work) we will be able to name what is going on with us. Don’t get immediately discouraged if you have been trying and have found some difficulty—after all, it took you a long time to get where you are. Also take note that we do all sorts of mental gymnastics to keep doing what we have always done—which smacks of everything else needing to change and not us. This type of thinking is a trap and will keep you stuck where you are.

If this prospect of connecting to ourselves and others sounds difficult, it is—so some of the important questions to be asked are: how has running at the rate you are helped you thus far? If you really don’t feel you are running from anything then some questions could be: How are your closest relationships fairing? How is your connection with the people you should be closest to? Is there anything in your life that is unravelling? The answers that present themselves can give a good indication of how your self and others connections are faring. If the people you are closest to do not feel connected to you then you have a problem. Again, connection to yourself is the beginning of connection to others.

Recognizing we are stressed and beginning to burn out is only the first step. Don’t underestimate the time and focus needed to change the way we go about things—awareness is a first step and actual change difficult. Some will resist doing the things needed to change but that’s probably why our situation has become problematic in the first place. A tremendous amount of soul searching and a good therapist can help. If you have more questions and would like to check out my other posts visit www.chrisoneth.com. If you would like regular updates on Facebook then visit my page at Chris Oneth MFTI and click on the like button.

Chris