The Stages of Acceptance: How We Move From Immaturity to Growth
/No surprise here but I’ve have had to change some things about myself. I have been confronted; either by my own thoughts or by loved ones, and have had to do some serious introspection and soul searching. It’s not a particularly fun feeling, kind of like running—it may take a while to get used to but eventually feels great. I have also found I like to take the scenic route when accepting areas I need to change. Like many, I have seldom said, “Oh, when I do that thing it really hurts you? Okay, I will stop.” No, I like to hold out to the bitter end, submitting rebuttal after rebuttal as to why the someone who has confronted me is in the wrong (truly, if they only can see what I see!). Then, as if by clockwork, I walk through a type of ritual that usually has me first putting off responsibility; then feeling like the most horrible person ever; then maybe, kinda-sorta seeing their point (along with remembering the other times I have acted in like manner); after that, I might realize the new direction I need to take; and finally, break out of the bad habit that has cost me so much along the way. In all of this, I don’t think I’m alone. I have watched so many people go through stages of accepting responsibility for wrong (albeit unintended) actions. We fight, we hurt, we accept, we realize, then we grow—along each stage there are attitudes and feelings that accompany them. The following are the five stages of acceptance when it comes to all of us doing things differently.
Resistance:
When we are being confronted there are usually two tacks the general population takes: “It’s not me” or “It is all me”. Neither is balanced or healthy. Those of us who tend to work in shame may immediately try to accommodate and appease—finding whole fault with ourselves immediately puts us in a place of condemnation (more on that later). When condemnation is not our usual initial feeling, we tend to move to a high place on our horse. In this first stage, even with the self-righteous (grandiose) types, there is an underlying belief that “I am the problem”, which can be accompanied by feelings of anger, fear, incredulity and even contempt. When those feelings emerge we may try to implement the six “D’s” of resistance, and even circle back on a few just because they can be favorites.
Dismiss: completely blowing off the issue by ignoring it, or even quickly admitting doing wrong without a full understanding, or hearing out, the other person. “Nuh uh” to “I know I’m not perfect” or even, “oh yeah, I know I do that and I’m working on it okay!” Nice try dismissers!
Deny: stepping up the resistance by complete disbelief. Again, there is a part of us that doesn’t want to accept we can do such things. Denying is still disengaging from the reality that we have a role to play in this. Denying can also involve picking apart aspects of another’s argument in order to deny responsibility: “I didn’t say that (exactly)” “when did I do that?” (Which is a form of “prove it”).
Defend: Explaining away, or even justifying, why the wrong has been done, removed from individual responsibility or wrongdoing: “I had to do that because…”, or, “just let me explain” (why you are wrong!). When we defend we are fighting to be understood, not fighting to understand. No Bueno in healthy relationships.
Deflect: Finger pointing: complete blaming of the other person, or the circumstance, entirely: “I wouldn’t do this if you didn’t do that.”, “I had to do that because this happened.” Bouncing off of themselves onto others (a type of helplessness). This is also a boundary violation and an irony. In a sense it says, “When I don’t like what’s going on then I hand control to you (your fault), but when I want control you have to know when to let me have it.” This can be very much like a teenager in the ways of thinking.
Distribute: one of my personal favorites—when the evidence is impassable and the accused distributes blame, still not taking full responsibility “I may have done this but you were also wrong for doing that.”
So the question is: how can someone who thinks “I am the problem” resist so stringently? The very fact that they push off blame is a demonstration of not fully being okay with needing to grow and change—and in some cases seeing themselves in ideal terms and not accepting reality. Mature folks will take criticism, consider the angles, admit to areas of change, and ultimately feel glad that someone told them. Those who are fragile in their grandiosity or have trouble seeing a part of themselves as culpable are unable to consider viewpoints of others and, God forbid, realize they need to change. If we continue to resist then we never move any closer to growth and maturity (which is the final stage of acceptance). The next stage comes after resistance has given it a good run and we have used all of our defenses—but it is still a type of resistance.
Condemned:
As stated earlier, some skip resistance all together and go straight to “I’m horrible, it’s my fault, how could you ever love me?” Some may move from the resistance stage or simply start at the condemned or condemning stage which brings with it the feelings of being hurt, helpless, afraid and judged. In this stage one still feels that they are the problem and so the logical step is “I will never be all right”. It can be an odd shift—from total denial to abject failure; but remember, some of the resistance in the first place is about making every effort to stay out of this condemned phase. Feeling condemned in some ways holds to the paradox of perfection: that we must be perfect but will never be perfect—which is filtering in “all or nothing” and “black or white” terms—all the while missing the levels of growth and change available in between.
Some may even take what can appear to be a victim role as a pseudo-means of adopting responsibility: on the surface they say, “Yes, it’s my fault” but deep down feel that they are being put upon, victimized, and judged by others—and so must be rescued from the pain the accuser is putting on them. Those who are most comfortable practicing co-dependence are most apt at this stage, often taking on the responsibility of everyone else as a means of not having to move forward themselves. In relationship counseling, where someone has the open arms of responsibility taking, there is always someone willing to give it to them; where there is someone who cannot (or will not) take the blame (resistance) they will most readily give it to those who are willing to take it. The paradox here can be that bringing about any sort of change in the relational contract can really cause both parties to feel uncomfortable—I have spoken with many a therapist who, at the moment of truth when confronting a grandiose blamer, will be turned upon by the co-dependent self-condemning spouse, all in an attempt to “save” their poor narcissist, and themselves, from feeling bad.
Acceptance:
Acceptance can often be misunderstood. Some see acceptance as a moment of epiphany with a change of direction thereafter. From what I have seen (and felt), acceptance is a process and transition from “I am the problem” to “I have a problem” that is often accompanied by feelings of uncertainty, regret, guilt, and reflection. After we have stopped resisting and then pick ourselves up from feelings of worthlessness and shame, we can go through a process of personal fact finding that may even loop us back to a bit of resistance and guilt. The shift from being the problem to having a problem, or even recognizing that there is a part of us/me that does things we don’t even like, can feel both stinging and liberating (strange indeed!). As we reflect back and say, “Yes, I guess I do have to habit of doing that” there can be a good type of regret that creates in us the desire to “sin no more”—as if that were possible.
This healthy regret comes with it the ability to accept proper responsibility for our actions. If any of us has ever brought an issue up to a loved one, had them resist one moment, and then fall into total all out blame the next, we can see clearly how frustrating it can be to bring up difficult issues with some people—so much so that we will avoid the subject all together! Proper reflection and regret is when we are able to remove the problem from us enough to put it down and see it objectively and maturely. This involves seeing the issue from another’s point of view, hearing them out, looking at ourselves, and offering understanding. From here we can even look upon the other times we have acted in such ways, feel ‘good’ regret, and offer our apologies in the matter. Keep in mind that during the process it is not uncommon to attempt to go back to resisting and condemning all over again as we remember the circumstances in which we were being pig-headed.
Freedom:
Accepting and all of its emotions can be just the beginning of responsibility and growth. After we are able to accept, there can be regret to be sure, but now we can move fully into the mindset that, “Yes, I have a problem but the problem is not who I am”. This new base of operation brings with it new scripts of who we are and can lead to feelings of realization, enlightenment and direction. Whereas the former script may take on a flavor that can move from haughtiness, anger, and denial all the way dejection, shame, and self-loathing, the new script has a quality that has equal parts of guilt and hope—as odd as that may sound.
Freeing (or being free from the problem, not the problem) can be a delicate balance, if we are just not wanting to listen to those we have wronged and simply say: “okay, I’m wrong, I get it!” just to shut others down, we are missing the point. To be free does not mean going back to dismissing, what it does mean is 1). Caring about our effect on others with a demonstration of understanding; 2). Fully acknowledging and ‘owning’ our behavior and actions; 3). Moving toward change to not repeat such behaviors—or putting the behavior away; and 4). Not continually beating ourselves up—or letting others beat us up—for the behavior we have now begun to change. In this way we can begin to create a type of healthy distancing, which is, having the problem far away enough to break free from but close enough to recognize what it is. Even in the freeing stage, the full potential of change and responsibility has not been realized—which is the final stage.
Growth:
Growth can seem an elusive target. When we directly go after it alone it tends to move away; but when we begin to truly care about others—fighting to understand where they are coming from—we may realize one day we have reached it. Like a fog in front of us that leaves it difficult to see up ahead, we can be unsure of how far we have moved forward; most often, we must look back to see how the distance we have come. When we have grown we begin to have feelings of hope, capability and maturity. When we have truly grown there are a few characteristics we can fully embrace that before we may have found unthinkable:
Acceptance: of ourselves and others, so that when an issue is brought up we don’t get defensive or condemn ourselves. This can also involve accepting that, at any time, we could repeat the behavior that once offended others (and really ourselves). At the same time we do not fool ourselves into thinking we are “cured” (after all ignoring something does not mean it goes away).
Ownership: of our actions and attitudes, not others’ actions and attitudes. When we take ownership we can say “Yes, I did that” and not have it be a huge ordeal when we are confronted. What ownership does not mean is never making mistakes. We must be careful, however, not to blow issues off, especially if what we do affects others. We must also be aware that ownership of our stuff does not mean trying to own others’ stuff—it’s their stuff, leave it alone!
Learning: from ourselves and others. When we learn from ourselves and others (by the mistakes we, and they, make) we are able to strive toward moving in a better direction. We listen, we are interested, we can understand, and we grow. Even if others’ don’t take responsibility we can certainly learn from watching them.
Forgiveness: all around. Forgiving ourselves and those around us may involve us giving up our fantasies of never making mistakes and expecting others to do the same. Forgiveness means not holding on to the wrongs we have done (and that have been done to us). Strangely enough, it also means not holding it against anyone that has confronted us on an issue—which creates in our hearts an open door for change.
Gratitude: For the ways we are shown to grow, and for the chance to do so. Let’s face it, when we create a wall (or take on all the blame) the last thing we are capable of doing may be having an attitude of thankfulness for those who have come to us—after all, it hurts! But when we really take a closer look we can accept and appreciate the opportunity to take hold of change areas and get about working on them. Gratitude can go hand-in-hand with hope: The idea that says, “I was blind to my own wrongdoings but now I see that I can grow. Thank you”.
The most difficult part of acceptance and change is when we are unwilling to take part in them. When we are threatened by what others might need from us and when we refuse to give up our destructive attitudes and habits. The stages of acceptance may shed some light on how we react to being confronted, but the real work is in steering the ship in another direction. Having good friends, a support group, or a good therapist can help. If you have any questions, visit my website at www.marriagetherapistmodesto.com or, for updates on facebook, go to Chris Oneth MFTI, like the page, and leave a comment.
Chris