THE FOUR HORSEMEN: WHAT ADDICTION, AFFAIRS AND WORKAHOLISM HAVE IN COMMON

What is missing? What are we looking for? What do we expect to find? 

I have seen it in addicts, those who have had affairs, those who have “dabbled” in the dangerous, and those who have left their families for whatever reason. Their stories all seem to have a similar arc: they were discontent, they went looking, they found something (or it found them), reported feeling “alive” in one way or another, and now they may never come back. What is sought after can come from a type of discontent, ranging from those feeling empty, unloved, unwanted, and unfulfilled; to those just plain bored with life and yearning for something exciting and fun. In so many cases, what is in hand seems not enough, and what is out of reach seems terrific—the prize that is missing. 

But what if that which we thought was terrific is actually terrible?—a type of knowledge that, once experienced, can never be let go of or forgotten. And what if this “terrible knowledge” changes us in ways we never saw coming? It most certainly happens in affairs, in material pursuits and even drug experimentation. For the affair it may be an experience of excitement that eclipses the tension and disconnectedness felt with the betrayed spouse; or, for the kid who experiments with drugs, an overwhelming euphoria that, without the chemical mimicry of natural brain function, will never be felt again apart from using, “just one last time”. In this way, want and desire for something greater can hold the same ingredients as a destructive addiction. This story is nothing new, from the time of Adam and Eve all the way to Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein it is that which we think we need and the possible destruction that can follow in its wake. 

So what of goals, aspirations and need to achieve? Is much of what we go after one of those “terrible” things that seems terrific? Yes and no. In whatever we strive for there must be discernment (and even some wise council re: Five Decisions Ago) that keep us from making some awful mistakes. What I have found is that there are four distinct characteristics that seem to be in play corresponding to our determined pursuit of the destructive that are also active throughout the chase; thus, a healthy vs. unhealthy pursuit can be discerned by these factors. Each has a quality that mimics the four horsemen of the apocalypse (not ironically) bringing about a type of being conquered, war, famine and death in our lives. In order to stave off these indications of trouble we must be mindful of what they are so we can build in healthy habits that keep us grounded. Even for the non-religious these horsemen can give us pause and warning as to the elements that make for destructive efforts. 

Conquered Meaning and Values:

And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see. And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.

Meaning in life, alongside our values, often keeps us grounded in that which is healthy and beneficial. When we lack purpose and direction we can be set adrift to the point that whichever way the wind blows will take us along for the ride. When we are tempted by that which can be destructive, having meaning and purpose in our life can keep us on course and moving ahead; conversely,  if we lack such meaning then whatever pursuit we are involved in, whether it is the affair, the next high or the six-figure income, can become our meaning, purpose, and value. In this way it (the prize) has conquered whatever meaning we thought we had before, thereby becoming a type of pseudo-meaning within itself. We may daydream, work for, or build a story around the prize we are pursuing—to the point that, what once may have been an interest has now become a value, something that is core to us and who we are. When this happens, we will defend our sometimes outrageous behavior to the bitter end—making arguments we never thought ourselves capable of making. Incidentally, our meaning in life can be so weak that we often find ourselves bored, as sign of directionlessness and lack of purpose. 

A Safeguard Against Aimlessness: 

Meaning in our lives can fuel us, keep us grounded, and in a positive and safe direction. As a whole, we are a people that need direction and purpose, without which we can get ourselves in all kinds of trouble. But the meaning we find in our lives must come when we are grounded and not in the throes of desire—lest our meaning be shaped by that desire. We are all subject to be tempted in our emotional weakness, to go after that which seems terrific and wonderful. In such times the need for certain meaning and values is essential. The motivating factor that can keep us focused must be, as one pastor friend of mine has stated, “a better yes”. Take the time to truly examine what your purpose and goals are in your life, what makes it worthwhile, what you would like more of, and some changes you would like to make. Consider who you are and who you want to be. If you are spiritual or involved in church spend some time in meditation, prayer, and scripture to seek direction, purpose, and meaning in your life. If you are not religious, look to get involved in causes outside of yourself that can transcend you living for just you.

War of Insight:

And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Come and see. And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.

In the pursuit of focused and harmful desire that has shaped and taken over our meaning, we can be at war within ourselves. As such we may avoid any sort of reflection on the matter—or those activities that may bring up such reflection. This can bring us to never question or challenge the prize we so passionately seek. In fact, in not critiquing what we are going after we can only defend what we think we need on a surface level. This justification may not stand up to logical or reasoned appeals and, as a course of irony, we can become even more impassioned in our chase—feeling we are entitled and deserving of what we want. I have seen it where there are two divergent viewpoints coming out of the same mouth! On one occasion a young man was citing with great passion every conservative view on work and family and on the next, and with great affection, the great trappings of the “party” lifestyle (one of those are bound to win out, by the way). The same can happen for the husband in the affair: he believes in family and commitment—once he finds someone he can really connect with (who doesn’t happen to be his wife). 

As stated before, due to the war of insight, reflection and introspection serve as the enemy. We all need times to reflect and/or cultivate thoughts that help us work through who we are. When we are doing what we want, with no one to answer to, we live in a sort of bliss (as in “ignorance is …”); therefore, we become cut off to ourselves—not knowing how we feel or what we think about the situation at hand (the hard reality being that we don’t want to know!). One of the telltale signs of a possible rough road ahead is someone who is always on the go—or continues to distract themselves by varied means. For them, the very idea of quiet reflection is like nails on a chalkboard. It can become excruciating to sit and think and/or reflect. As a result, any moment of down time is filled with a cell phone, television, radio, hobby go, go, and go. 

Accessing Insight: 

When we are engaged and insightful we can take a good look at our actions, intentions and attitudes and see if they fit our values and who we want to be (see “Three Hurdles to Change”). The problem can be when we don’t want to think about who we are and what we are doing. If someone truly does not want to come to grips with their behavior and how they are affecting those close to them (or their future for that matter) then there is not much we as a loved one can do (more on that later). Really, the only thing we who are nearest to those who are avoiding can do is to state our care, concern and love while being mindful or our healthy boundaries. 

If we want insight but are having trouble getting in touch with ourselves and those closest to us then it may be time to take an “opposite approach” to the way we have been going. If we are constantly running, then scheduling quiet and reflective time can allow us bits of insight. The chief complaint among those I give this direction to tends to be, “but I hate to sit still”—which brings up some other very pertinent concerns! A good question to consider might be: What feelings are brought up when I do have time to myself? Why do I hate quiet reflection so much? What is going on inside of me when I am alone? Such questions and insight can lead to some intense feelings, which then lead us to the third horseman. 

Famine of Feeling:

And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand. And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine. 

The avoidance of insight ultimately has its motivation in pushing off some of the emotions that are brought about by the conflict within hour head. When this occurs The Famine of Feeling can go in one of two directions: feelings starved has to do with a true disconnection from one’s emotions—so much so, that the actor seeks out anything in order to feel something. For the one who chases after the affair, the paycheck, or the thrill, this can be a way of tapping into something that has long been missing (and not having the correct tools to access them). It is the prize then that masks and replaces whatever healthy emotion has been dispersed. “She makes me feel so alive” is often heard from the husband who cannot (or does not know how) to sit still enough to feel anything—let alone toward his wife. The relational strain on his marriage then has him push his emotions away further, disconnects him from his wife further, then drives him toward his “prize”…further! The pattern of giving up what is difficult to go after what is “easy” is just another way of running from a truth we cannot take. 

Feelings starving is the other side of the coin and focuses on a desperate attempt to cut off the hurt, pain, and shame that have long been avoided—for those trying to starve off their hurts, an array of substances, hobbies and plateaus act as an anesthesia to numb the impending wave of feelings. Just like the feelings starved, the push to cut off feelings intensifies as the actions one takes part in further increase the bad feelings. In this way a paradox loop has begun called the shame cycle: the action to numb the feeling creates worse feelings so more action is used to further cut off the bad feeling (which is why my old mentor calls this a “crazy maker”!). Even approaching those who are fully invested in their destructive behavior can be like playing with emotional gasoline. The shame and hurt that accompany an abandonment of values create a raw wound that, when touched, can send the confronted into a tailspin of anger and fear. 

Sitting with Our Feelings: 

Whether one is feelings starved or feelings starving what is most needed is to come to terms with, and fully engage in, our feelings. It is interesting to note that in both cases a proper means of expression are needed for each. For the starved, reflecting on our emotions and developing a healthy vocabulary for them enable us to label and capture what we are experiencing (after all, we can’t catch it if we don’t know what it is). When we are able to dig in and express, “I feel hurt, embarrassed, and afraid” and then answer the “because…” we can then free ourselves from the numbing effects of stuffing and ignoring. On a side note, I have never met anyone who has benefited from stuffing and ignoring; to the contrary, the emotions will most always take a toll on us if not confessed and brought into the light. 

Conversely, the starving (who are running from the intensity of what they feel) are also in much need of using a working vocabulary. The difference lay in, rather than feeling numb, feeling only a few intense primary emotions such as fear, anger and shame. The expression needed in this case is to dig under the anger (for example) and expressly state, “I am feeling angry, but also fear, embarrassment, confusion and abandonment.” When we are able to “prism out” that is, expand our first emotion into more accurate parts, we can then go back to “because….” and address the beliefs we are holding that took us there. Learning an emotional language and vocabulary is not easy and takes time—after all, it can be intense and uncomfortable, but stepping into the feeling will help us learn to handle what is important.  

Death of Relationship:

And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see. And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.

If the “prize” is capable of conquering our meaning, bringing a war of insight, and famine to our feelings, then it most certainly can bring death to our relationships. When we don’t know who we are (left defined by the thing we are going after) then we cannot be genuine and connected to others. As people we exist on three levels: one personal, one external and one relational. We may think we are wholly independent and individualistic but the truth remains we cannot live without relationship. When we keep on in pursuit of something that can ultimately destroy us, those who love and care about us may have difficulty being silent. So we can see a subtle but profound change in the nature of our relationships: For one, those who have been closest to us (spouse, parents, and good friends) may attempt to speak wisdom into our lives. If we are fighting wisdom (war of insight) and don’t want to deal with the feelings of shame and conviction (famine of feelings) then the last thing we want is anyone to bring those intense feelings to a head. Most often the course we take is to cut off those close relationships—if not deliberately, then through our lies, lashing out, or cutting off. 

When we take part in behaviors that kill our closest relationships, the only thing we may have to cling to are the new relationships that condone our hurtful and destructive behavior. We can see this example in the addict who hangs out with his using buddies, the teenager with fellow experimenters, the workaholic with the performance drivers, and the unfaithful spouse with the object of their desire. The pain that the pursuer causes themselves and those they’ve been closest to can be profound, often replacing them with near strangers known only for a short while (and void of any reflection or introspection). The language used by the pursuer goes something like this: “Don’t judge me!”, “They accept me for who I am”, “Can’t we just have a relationship without you coming down on me all the time?” In this case there is no touching them because they refuse to be touched or moved (war of insight). Conversely, the loved ones that are pushed away regularly hope for something closer but are repeatedly hurt by alienation of the addict, often observing that they no longer recognize the person they once loved. 

Saving Our Relationships:

Saving our relationships involves them being taken care of, deliberately. We cannot have meaningful relationships until we contend with our own values, insights, and emotions—connecting with others must first mean connecting with ourselves. If we refuse to engage who we really are, where we are going, why we are doing what we are doing (and the feelings driving such behavior) connecting with others will be next to near impossible. I have found that many a busy person who is unable to sit still and reflect, often find themselves cut off from themselves. Where it is true that family background and upbringing play a huge role in how we relate to others, we can actually train ourselves to act in ways both healthy and destructive. It is often a gradual descent as the water is slowly brought to a boil. 

If the question to you is “how do I save my relationships?” then the first step is deciding who you are and where you want to be (which requires stepping in to insight). Next, write down (Yes! Write down!) the feelings that come with where you find yourself and get to the ‘why’ and the ‘because’. You may find you are either cut off and must repeatedly dig (starved), or the feelings are so intense you want to run away—which could explain the “prize” you have been chasing after for so long (starving). Bear in mind that some of the behavior which we have engaged in can further spiral us away from where we hope to be—to the point that we don’t even know where we want to be! Be careful to recognize the shame cycle; that is, behavior, regret, cut-off, behavior, repeat. Only by standing toe-to-toe with these feelings can we then open up and connect to those around us. 

If we are a loved one watching someone close to us self-destruct then there are a few things we can be mindful of: First, make sure the person who is being overcome by the four horsemen knows they are loved and cared for; second, practice healthy boundaries and boundary language so as not to put your feelings solely on another or unknowingly try to control them by even subtle manipulation. Boundaries also mean helping draw a healthy line for what you are responsible verses what they are responsible for—and not crossing the lines; third, keeping in mind that, as loved ones, we must not be overcome by the four horsemen ourselves—as the addicted pursuer can easily become our “prize” with our best intentions a foot.

Final Thoughts:

 Four final thoughts in both recognizing and keeping safe from the four horsemen: 1. Because we are all human and comprised of values, insights, emotions and relationships we are all subject to lose ourselves to whatever we call a prize or an addiction. We may not take substances or seek out affairs, but more often than not, self-loss takes place as a gradual progression with what often seems quite harmless. 2. With whatever we pursue, natural consequences will result. If we chase after and romanticize these prizes we think will complete us we can be subject to loss of job, relationships, direction, purpose and hope (Remember conquered values?). As loved ones we have to keep in mind to not rescue those who chase headlong into destructive behaviors. Though excruciatingly difficult, the alternative to letting natural consequences take hold, most often, is to be a rescuer. Enabling those we love to continue in their folly may only prolong certain consequences that might otherwise bring them to turn back sooner. 3. Whether we are the pursuer or close friend/family member we must be aware of what our longings are telling us. If we are lonely, hurt, scared, angry or disappointed we must fully engage with those feelings and ask what they are trying to tell us. Is our fear one of failure? Our loneliness a call to connect? Our disappointment an unrealized or unchallenged expectation? If we examine such feelings and attitudes we can develop ways to go after them that don’t leave destruction in its wake. Finally, 4. We all must put up safeguards to help protect us from getting overtaken by the four horsemen: know if have a tendency to compromise your values, avoid insight, run from your feelings and ignore your relationships. A fence may look like staying away from alcohol, or not going to that part of town, but it can also look like journaling, spending daily time with your closest and most meaningful relationships or taking periodic walks in the early morning. Such exercises keep us connected to ourselves and others. 

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Chris Oneth LMFT