Why Men 'Hate' Therapy: 6 Reasons Why Guys Don't Like to See Me

Relationship stuff, feelings, happiness, unicorns and rainbows (all said with snarky sarcasm) are said to be the territory of the women folk. As a therapist, I like to tell people that I am the guy men ‘hate’ but their wives want me to see. Most often, but not always, it is the wife who brings the husband in using ultimatums and coercion—a sad way to conduct any relationship. If men are not married then the cajoling comes from mothers or girlfriends (which could lead to a whole other blog entry). But why is this? What is it about therapy that men, in particular, are loathe to confront? Below are six reasons that lend to men’s aversion on this subject—with the understanding that there could possibly be another thirty-six depending on the individual.

1.       Its Biological:

Like it or not, men do not handle emotions and stress as well as women. Now there are a number of reasons that could be lending to this but, as author and therapist Terry Real points out in his book, How Can I Get Through to You, there are some core things going on within the man’s body when he is confronted with stuff he doesn’t like. For one, when anyone gets called out on their junk they can tend to react defensively. For men though, their body reaction gets more revved up and subsequently more difficult to calm (on average). The result can be that men, rather than deal with difficult emotions just avoid them all together (more on that later). But the bottom line is that men can have a tendency to feel things more intensely and for a greater period of time than do women—with little to no outlet to decompress.

2.       Its Social

So now that men are stuck with biological intensity, what do they do? From a very young age, men are taught to ‘suck it up’ when it comes to showing emotion of any type. As Real points out, “boys tend to punish in others what they dare not risk showing themselves.” (Real 2002) Now there can be reasons for this as we don’t want men, or women for that matter, having an emotional break-down over spilled milk so-to-speak. But the overarching cultural press toward stoicism isn’t doing men any favors. Men can tend to run away from the burning building(figuratively) when it comes to areas of discomfort and difficulty, which then takes its toll. Think of it as the old joke that if you suppress a sneeze mid-stream your eye will pop out; well, if you hold back expressing how you feel, something else will give. It’s a therapists job to help people run into the burning building and put out that fire.

3.       Its Feminine

Some studies suggest that one of the reasons women can handle emotion much better is because they are more expressive about their feelings and emotions. With men holding stuff in, the very thought of feelings (ew!) can make them squirm. Even as I write this I cannot help but hear the Schwarzenegger pan “girly men” when touching upon this subject. As the outcropping of male social norms takes hold we move toward deriding the feminine gift of sharing. To the extent, as Real points out again, that the therapist then also becomes in league with, and an extension of, women—even male therapists! (Therapist = Girly). To be honest, I believe there is a masculine way to express emotions that neither deal in avoiding them all together nor letting them bottle up until they explode into angry tough-guy- rage. It should be noted that some men may say women never stop sharing their emotions which can seem true to a man that does not want to listen. With no listening, women feel unheard and want to keep talking about it—and so the cycle goes.

4.       Its Uncomfortable and Scary

So we have a biological reaction, socialization, a need to be manly (and not feminine), and now we have to deal with our fear. Now let’s be clear here, men will not call this fear they will simply say, “I just don’t want to deal with it” or “why should I bother” (which points out a whole other issue about putting up a wall), but the truth of the matter is, its fear. As much as we men like to mock emotions and feelings as Care Bear kitsch, one of the real reasons men ‘hate’ therapy is not the therapy but the possible emotions that it might reveal; and for the handful of men reading this, if you don’t feel its fear then try sitting with it and working it through (put your money where your mouth is!). When we get into the discomfort of the whole thing I tend to totally agree with the men that come into my office: “Yes,” I tell them, “this is totally uncomfortable, all this feelings stuff, so what are you going to do about it?” The reality is, we can sit with this discomfort, learn how to handle it, and develop some relational skill, or we can continue having the people in our lives being fed up with us to the point of breakdown. Besides, the others in your life have been uncomfortable (frustrated, angry, violated) for years and they’ve had to ‘deal with it’, now it may be your turn.

5.       It’s Taxing On My Gig (Threatening)

Real points out again that, oftentimes, men don’t want to come into therapy because they may be perfectly content with the way things are, the status quo. To many men, the person with ‘the problem’ is their wives (or everyone else): always nagging, always unsatisfied, and always bitchy. Some men think that 75% of the issues lie with their wife (or others) but they themselves are taking 100% of the responsibility. So the question then is: if you’re doing everything she wants, why is she still so unhappy? What I tend to see more and more of is something I like to call forced sacrifice. In other words, men will often give what they are comfortable giving (many times at great lengths), and still not listen to, or empathize with, their wives. Many a men have said, “I take care of all the bills, I have never cheated, I let her know when I will be late”, which is all valuable, but when the wives chime in they will invariably say, “he doesn’t listen to me, he talks over me when I try to explain, he tells me what he thinks I want.” What sadly ends up happening is that, in order to finally have a voice, wives take on the role of the heavy in order to get any movement out of their husbands—hardly what I would call an ideal situation. I would ask the husbands: Is avoiding the threat of change worth sacrificing the relationship you could have? If you are not married, consider what others in your life may be telling you. After all, everyone else can’t all be wrong.

6.       It’s A Waste of Time:

This can tie in to number five, especially if the man thinks there is nothing wrong in life. It is remarkable how many people in the world just go on assuming that everyone else seems to have a problem. At some point, taking responsibility can be painful and tough (number four all the way!), but in order to grow there must be some painful confrontations at times. One of the core reasons men may feel therapy is a waste of time is because it may take them to places, and confront some things, they have been unwilling to for some time. If a man goes into therapy and implicitly states, “I want to grow but I don’t want to confront this, this, or this” then yes, therapy would be a huge waste of time. It would be like going into the gym and saying, “I want to lose weight but I don’t want to cut back on eating or sweat, at all!”  Just like the gym, in therapy, you have to do the work; I just observe some stuff and give ideas. If your inclination is to not waste any time at all then why even have a relationship? Life may be easier as a lone hermit, but most certainly less fulfilling.

So there you have it. Like I said, there could be a number of individual reasons any one man can have for ‘hating’ therapy, but they may each be ‘children’ of those above. It is also interesting to note that men who do take the plunge into expressing their feelings and emotions tend to live longer, experience less health problems, and have more fulfilling relationships—the choice is always yours. If you have comments or feedback please see my Facebook page at Chris Oneth MFTi and drop a word (or two). Until next time…

Chris

          Real, Terrence (2002) How Can I Get Through To You. New York, NY: Fireside Books